I Am Not Comfortable With Relationships
the idea of being in a relationship scares me. i have never been in a serious one, nor do i want to be. i have watched many friends be in relationships with eachother and others, and boy is there a lot of drama attached. its so complicated, so stressful, and in the end so painful (and it always ends eventually), i dont even know why you would bother.
i couldnt stand the intimacy involved. i have a really, really hard time sharing my feelings with or getting very close to people, and that seems to be the main idea. in healthy relationships couples are almost always together, talk about and share everything with eachother, have very strong feelings for eachother, have intimate sex with eachother, etc. to many this is a beautiful thing, but my stomach churns just typing that last sentence. i cant fathom being so close, so vulnerable and transparent. i could not function without my emotional barriers. if i were to maintain them in my relationship then it could not grow beyond a certain point and eventually die in its stagnation. if i were not to maintain them, besides the fact that it is way out of my comfort zone and would be so hard to be ok with, im afraid my partner may find a very different person than the one they fell for and would lose interest. and breaking up would be so hard after that, since they would know things about me i do not share with others and could use it against me or tell people or just know without our closeness.
im also pretty uncomfortable with sexual activities. i can talk about them all day, using the most vulgar words and vivid details without feeling even a little awkward, but when it comes to action i freak out. im not just talking about sex, i mean everything. i cant kiss worth a ****, i feel like most people have an instinct that tells them what to do that i just dont have. i dont understand it, practice hasnt helped, and i dont even enjoy it. its horribly disgusting and not even slightly arousing to me. oral sex disgusts me too. sex itself is appealing to think about, and it doesnt really disgust me, but its very intimate and puts you at the mercy of another, making you vulnerable, and again i have many many issues in this department.
i guess my discomfort comes mostly from my own personal issues. but please, if you feel the same way as i do about anything i said please say so. it seems like im the only one who feels this way, everyone else is out of their mind desperate to find a date. maybe i am the only one...