No Solutions

I've always walked the rough roads; life always seems to be against me; always. I believe in luck but it doesn't believe in me. I've tried playing by the rules but it's not getting me anywhere other than the Despair Room.

I am married but haven't been faithful. Why? My husband is controlling but he's controlling because he's always felt self conscious and he takes it out on his partners. I guess that borders on mild abuse? o.O

First time was because he wasn't faithful to me - well virtually. So I wasn't virtually faithful to him (a lot more times than him). He found out and called me a *****. He claims he doesn't remember and then also claims to have forgiven me. I almost got involved with a married man more recently because again, my relationship with my husband hasn't ever been perfect. Rocky like my life. This guy seemed to understand me more but then my husband pointed out that the guy's wife was so tight on the reigns because he most likely hadn't been faithful to her before and found out. Cut deeper yeah?

I always felt that a long term relationship was going to be difficult - but had hope that it'd work out in the end.. but I'm feeling more bleak now a days.

My husband always wants sex and I just can't be bothered. I look at him like he's nuts. I feel that I'm seriously unattractive. Why would he ever want me? He's an ex classically trained dancer and very animated (drama/theatre) person. Last year I found out that unless I'm near a size 0, I won't ever have children and it'd take me about a decade to lose it and by then, I won't be physically able to have any and that makes me want to push my husband away and tell him find someone who can give him children.

You're probably wondering WHY am I with him? Well, I still love him. I look at him and still feel like the world could go do one when he holds me but he hardly does that anymore and it makes me sad.

Both my parents have passed away and my sister is out of control with her spending. I'm angry at my dad for leaving/dying. He ended up with Leukaemia because he drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney stack. He barely ate anything fresh and healthy or went out of the house (besides work). He would drink until he blacked out every night and the worst part is he would e-mail me on a regular basis but never TALK to me. If he was so unhappy with his life WHY didn't he talk to ANYONE?!

My mom always had health issues; was always ill. She had TB, tumors which she had a hysterectomy, blood leukaemia - went into remission for four years, and then skin cancer and died. I'm sad that my mom has passed because she was always there for us. Even though she was an angry mother awaiting for us to grow up, she also changed. She started to open up as a person and letting people in after I reached adulthood and for that I'm thankful. I was there in the room when she passed and I thanked her for being our mom.

My mother in law has now found out that she has acute leukaemia about three weeks ago and is now in ICU. She's also battling pneumonia and is having a hard time breathing since she also has asthma.

Focusing on my internal struggle: Because my mom never praised or supported my sister or I in things we did or wanted to do, I always feel like whatever I do is never good enough. She's never told me she's proud of me. The first and only time she told me she loved us was on her death bed (first time battling leukaemia). She's always told me I'm fat and made a tut tut noise whenever I wanted a cookie or a slice of cheese. My dad was hardly there because he was first in the US Navy and then worked nights at the US postal service as a mechanic.

School: For a decade I had to go to school with people who believed that if you aren't black, you are scum and should be treated as such; or as a Dalek would say: EXTERMINATE! Then when I tried to go to University/College I was outcasted and even failed in a class because I openly stated that I wasn't Christian.

Work: My second job I had a racist manager (Dalek situation again). My first office job: Every small mistake my boss/the owner would get in my face and tell me he could fire me in an instant. He'd make me work full time hours for part time pay and got away with it because I was legally deemed self employed. My second office job was slightly better - but my boss/owner refused to pay me the same rate as his other employees because I wasn't from India like him and the rest of his staff. The other jobs I've had while living in the US was okay but dead ended.

I moved to England in 2006 because I got tired of living in the US and decided to emigrate to be with my husband. My first full time permanent office job lasted for four years and during that time it was just like my first office job in the US except this time, I had a husband who basically told me to suck it up and stop moaning. I now have to find a new job (becoming redundant) and have hit the same brick wall of rejection. I have nine years of office experience yet it's not enough to get another office job here in England. I can only guess it's because I'm not English; there's no other excuse.

I've even gotten an NVQ 2 and 3 in Business and Administration (which in my eyes is playing by the rules).

I can't talk to my husband about this because he basically tells me that it's not important yet when he feels this way, I try to give solutions.

Sometimes, I just want to give up completely. What good am I doing for myself or others? I'm not a happy bunny.

I've always believed that we as humans have the ability to use more of our brains than most of us use (aka I believe in the metaphysical). I have a serious regret in life - my husband was on the edge of trying to decide to stay with his ex or move on; his gf at the time was doing the same. I did a blood spell to push it - I asked that she finally decide to either keep my now husband or let him go and she chose to let him go but since then, my ability to connect to the more metaphysical part of life has died and it's made me feel really empty and with each passing day, it grows. I want to get it all back but I have no idea how.

I've thought about leaving my husband but I don't think that would solve it. I'm lost; I have no direction, and I'm tired of it.

Is there anyone who can help??