I Feel Unimportant

I feel unimportant.

I had an okay childhood. My parents fought all of the time. They were never happy together, ever, but they stayed together. My mom had serious anger issues. When my dad, or work, or whatever else got to her and made her upset, she would take her anger out on me. She would say really hurtful things. She would always make me feel inadequate. Why couldn't I dance like Meredith? Why didn't so-and-so at school like me? Why didn't I keep my hair brushed, why did I have to look like such a slob? I begged my dad to divorce my mom, because I thought then maybe she would lay off of me. They finally went through a nasty divorce. The police showed up at my house a few times because of disturbances during the divorce. It was awful, my best friend lived across the street and her and her family saw everything. Humiliating. Then, my parents had tons of issues the years following the divorce. One would say the other owed them money, and I was the messenger to go get it. The other, of course, would say no. The sender would then get mad at me for not bringing back the money. It was awful. Not to mention holidays. They would make me feel like **** for going to the other's house for a holiday. I dreaded holidays, they were the worst.

I met a really great guy during all of this. We dated for almost 4 years. He put up with me and my moodiness and irritability. He loved me, and I loved him. But I treated him horribly. I don't know why. I tried to stop, but I should have tried harder. I treated him like ****. I had so many expectations for him on how I wanted him to be and what I wanted him to do, and when he didn't follow through, I'd get upset. I would get mad at him for not spending tons of time with me. It was ridiculous, and I deeply regret it. I needed him so bad, it was so unhealthy. I followed to college. I chose the same school, 6 hours away from home, and picked a degree almost at random (though I ended up liking it). He dumped me 2 years ago.

After 6 months or so of being "friends" after the break up, I told him I wanted to cut ties because it was too painful for me and I wasn't ready to be friends yet. We kept fighting anyways, it was like we were still dating. Sooo unhealthy. I told him no more, and I got very upset at him, and it was very emotional. He agreed to leave me alone.

He called me the next night to tell me his mother had died. She apparently had been dying of breast cancer all along, in the hospital across the street from where I work. He wasn't the type to share when things werent going well. She was an absolutely amazing woman, I looked up to her so much. I always thought she would be my mother in law. I loved her. I was devastated to hear about her loss. My ex and I met up to talk about her once, we talked for a few hours. It was really good, and I think a positive experience for both of us. He told me that she loved me, which meant the world to me. I wanted to go to the funeral, but he said it was friends and family only. This bothered me, but I didn't say anything about it because he had just lost his mom, he didn't need problems with his ex on top of that. I had already been totally bitching him out like a giant jerk for months while he was slowly losing his mother. I felt so guilty for that, even though I didn't know and I couldn't have known from the way he acted that she was dying, I still felt so guilty. But it really really hurt me that he didn't want me to come... But I let it go.

I felt like I had no one to talk to about her passing. None of my friends or family knew her. It really struck a chord with me. Of course, my friends would listen to me, but I always felt so guilty for talking to them about my problems. I feel like I'm always complaining. I just felt really alone. I didn't want to bring her up around my ex either, because I didn't want to make him sad. I told him if he ever needed me, I'd be there to talk, but he said that he "had his friends to talk to." I interpreted this as me not being a friend, and it really hurt. I never brought it up though.

He and I stopped with the "lets not chat" thing. We talked on and off. He would always hint he was dating other girls. ABout a year passed, and we both got drunk at a party and ended up having sex. It happened again a few more times when we were sober. It was clear that he had no feelings for me, but I did it anyways. I really regret that.

He recently moved across the country. We agreed to not talk again until I feel like we can be friends. We need to start over. Its been 5 months since we've talked at all. Im really happy about this, its truly making it easier. I hope we can be real friends one day but I am not sure.

I have many friends, but I feel so guilty talking to them about my problems. I feel like I am so negative. And I don't have a best friend. I feel very alone. Everybody has their "somebody" it seems. Whether its a close tie with a spouse, parent, sibling, or friend... everybody has that person, it seems, but I don't.

I graduated from school with a very specialized degree. I work at a good job now and like it, but I feel unimportant around the doctors I work day to day with. They are brilliant, and here I am, a mere BS degree graduate, working in a field that doesnt even require a BS degree. I feel like you don't have to be particularly smart to be in my field, and that bothers me. Because I am smart. I feel like I could be wasting my time or throwing away a good opportunity. But I do like my job at the same time. I'm torn about what to do.

I signed up for graduate school for no reason other than to boost my own confidence. I wanted to have another degree, because maybe the doctors and my co-workers would respect me more and give me more responsibilities. I've been taking classes for 4 or 5 months, but have recently decided this masters program is not for me. It's just too far from what I want to do... I want to work with people. I love working with patients and feeling needed like I do in my current job, and the masters program would give me a degree for something that doesnt really involve working with people on that level. My parents gave me a hard time when I told them I wanted to go to grad school b/c they said I should work first. I finally convinced them and told them I would pay on my own (and I am! Recent college grad paying rent and bills and tuition, all at once here!). I am working full time while doing grad school. Now that I want to quit grad school after this semester, they're giving me a hard time as well. I can't win.

I just feel so inadequate at my job. I want to be important there. I want to be important in my social life too. Again, I have friends, but nobody who really needs me. Even my ex, whose mom passed away who only I (of his friends) knew really well didn't need me when she passed. My parents certainly don't need me. My job could do without me.... I'm easily replaceable. I just want to be important, more than anything. To someone, to something.

I have signed up for online dating. I'm almost 23, and I think I'm fairly good looking. Everybody I send a "hello!" email to online rejects me. Maybe my standards are too high. The only people interested in me are 30+, or people who have absolutely nothing in common with me, or people who are clearly just patrolling for ***.

I just got in my first car accident. I'm fine, but my drivers side mirror is gone, and the side of my car is scraped. I called my dad and he yelled at me for not having my insurance card on me. I called my mom and she yelled at me because I told her about how I was planning on dropping out of graduate school first, and apprently I should have told her about the car accident first. My parents are "there to talk" but they don't say much, they just say they don't know what to tell me, that I should just go to bed and get a good nights rest.

I don't know.

Anyone who has a similar experience, who has advice or comments or anything, I would absolutely LOVE to hear from you. I'm feeling very alone right now, and I've been feeling this for a while. I'm not quite sure what I should do, or if I'm just being silly and feeling sorry for myself for no good reason, or what
kxp982 kxp982
1 Response Oct 7, 2010

Never ever feel youre unimportant everyone is special and I agree with lonely slave I would give you a big hug too.