Demersus

I wouldn't say I been depressed all my life. Only since I was 12. When my older brother passed away after fainting and smacking his head on the concrete at my football game. Ever since then I have always been kind of silent and just kept to myself. Really never wanted any friends, but every time I did make one they all stole from me. Every single one. I have the same problem now. Try to help a friend and they take anything they can get their hand on. I have no income at the moment which makes it that much worse. I'm six foot six. So I guess your asking why would he let his friends steal from him? Because I hate conflict and violence. My brother and I fought almost everyday. But they are not friends anymore. My mother and father also believe me to be retarded or something. Just because I forget stuff every once in a while. Or they tell me something When I am in deep thought about my brother and how I miss him. So I don't hear what they say. Still even so when I do do what they ask of me I always do it perfectly. Sometimes I just wish it was me dead instead of my brother. My cousin is always listening to these depressing songs only when I am around. Taunting me. Trying to tell me his life is worse. He had someone who loves him and a son, but he chose to leave them. Because they weren't married, but been together for two years and were fighting like they were. Please any woman out there. Please be with me for two years and fight with me like we are married. I need that in my life. I appreciate the little things like that. Fighting is all a part of a healthy relationship. I'm not ugly either. Just recently started working out more often. I dress better now. I try to talk to women, but was always around my friends. They always say everything bad about me in ten minutes or less. Doesn't ever matter what we are talking about at the time. They will just say it, and even though she might have been feeling me little bit before that. They always ruin it for me. I've only had one girlfriend in my whole life because of it. Then they followed me to her house and I don't judge by looks, but she pregnant and they thought she was just fat. They made fun of me constantly and she overheard one day. Poof... gone... Now I am alone again. Because of them. Demersus is latin for destruction depression sinking. I feel all three whirling around inside of my head. I want to destroy everything in my path, but I am so depressed I just sink into everyday boredom, lonesomeness. I am 23 years old. My mother kicked me out of her apartment so I stay with my father until i can find a job and then move to either live by myself or wait until I am out of the house to kill myself. I just know if I try around them they would never let me. Their emotional punching bag would be gone. They can't have that. Everyone always say God has a plan. His plan for me was this. To be beaten emotionally into submission and eventually lead myself to my own suicidal death.
Dreagan Dreagan
22-25, M
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

Get away. Start small and take baby steps. Build a life by doing things of which you've the right to feel quiet pride. Turn away from those who see you as do those now about you. There are other, better people in the world. Notice them. Let them know that you've noticed them, at first in small ways.

Death happens, as it's happening to you now. Life must be sought after and seduced, befriended and nurtured and protected. Both theirs and yours.

"No man is an island...any man's death diminishes me." I speak as one who needed actively to stay his own hand for many a year in the wilderness, do so stay yours. There is a world of good which you can do in the world, even as you think that you merely idle in place. Give of yourself these hours and days, so that the world in which your soul finally comes awake may be, in some small measure, a better place for your having been in it. Count each blessing of others as if it were your own; this may seem to make little, if any, sense, perhaps for many, many years. Count them anyway and turn each about in your mind's hands, in your prayers (waking or abed.) A familiarity with the nature of their blessings, great and small, will dispose your soul to accept the ones which may be on offer to you.

God bless you on your journey, young man. Don't fail us by quitting you.