Well, Mostly......

Not all the time but often. I guess right now, I feel very disillusioned with life. Despite being there for others throughout my life and trying to be a good and kind person, I can't help thinking that it hasn't got me far. Right now, I have little to not support in my life and am struggling. I have a mentally ill 18 year old sister who I am supporting alone as my parents are in denial and yet I have no real support for myself. I feel like so much is expected from me. Everyone keeps saying I am my sisters only hope and that I have to stick by her and I KNOW I do but it's tough. I feel like I am expected to give, give, give all the time but am not allowed to be human myself. I feel like everyone sees me as the one who can handle the tough situations in life and who is strong. I feel angry at that, I am human like everyone else and yet my family in particular seem to see me as some kind of robot who can keep going through everything and who needs no support themselves.
I work with children and adore them but it can be emotionally draining. I feel like I am never not looking after someone these days and I dont mind admitting it makes me resentful in some ways. At the end of the day when I am trying to sleep, I do feel a great sadness and loneliness. I have no support from family, no friends and am single. I have a colleague who is listening and helping but we are worlds apart. She is rich, married, has kids and lots of friends and has admitted she doesn't understand mental health issues.
I do feel unloved and it is a very unpleasant and unsettling feeling.
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May 22, 2012