You might wonder why since I'm married. My husband has asperger's syndrome. He used to be more loving though, but now he is just not very loving and does not show love. I have been dealing with a lot of pain lately and he has not helped me. I had to write a letter telling him what a jerk he is and that karma will kick his butt before he would help me even a little bit. I was crying and writhing all night but he chose to go to sleep and not even care. He does not like to spend any time making me feel better, he's just, "here's a pill." Finally though he brought me a pill and some water at least on the day of the letter. Today when I was fired from work on top of all this so I feel un-needed, worthless, and value-less, and it is not the first time. I think ti is my bipolar but for some reason it is hard to keep a job. Everyone seems to think I am inferior no matter how hard I work, it is never good enough. At first he was angry but finally he did hug me like he should have. I just feel like he doesn't care. he doesn't say I love you like he used to and when he does he says something else before or after it that really makes me wonder. Basically I feel ignored and neglected and unimportant and value-less. What about my family you might ask? They never accepted me, I was just not how they wanted me to be. I am a black sheep, so they look down on me, just like jobs I have had. I feel like no one appreciates anything I do for them and I do not matter to anyone. Like no one would even care if I kicked off today. Credit card companies quickly notice as everyone says. I do not have the time and energy to expend on a suicide attempt with a 50-50 chance of working.
All I want is for someone to listen to me. I want someone to massage me and hug me and spend some time with me and make me feel important, and bring me a blanket and water and food. I want someone to ask me if I am feeling better. All of these things I do for HIM...but it is not the same for me. You do not always get back what you put in. I want someone to really hear me, and to really care. I want to be valued. I want to matter. I want to be supported. i want people to stop being so harsh with me and start having faith in me. No one believes in me and it is really hard to believe in myself. I feel like I'm not good enough, I will never be good enough, I am replacable, and everyone is better than me, and I feel like I just have nothing to offer anyone. I don't belong anywhere. I just want some support and encouragement and for someone to say that it will be ok and to believe in me and to have confidence and faith in me. I just need someone who will be there for me and be on my side. I guess I am just lonely.
I just feel like I am not special at all. I don't make a difference. I am a failure. I am the bottom of the ranks. I am nothing. I am just insignificant and I do not matter. And being only one person i am limited in what I can do for myself, and being married, I expected to have at least a friend at all times no matter how bad things are going. But he is being like everyone else and like a random person. I feel all alone in the world, and other people only make it worse. Other people, are not there to help me, they just are there to hurt me by making demands on me or shaming me and trying to make me feel incompetent. I can't do anything right. There is always something I am not doing or not doing right. For every thing I do right there is something else someone says that discounts it.
I am not worth anyone's time. I am not worth anything. I am just here, continually failing and doing everything wrong and being a problem or annyoance for everyone else.
I am convinced that I have never had a purpose in life now except to make other people feel better by being lesser, and to suffer so other people are spared. I would go into the military to be on the front lines, but I think if I did my husband would divorce me. I am disposable, but how can I use ti to my advantage(going into the army, whoring, being a science experiment) if my husband would divorce me probably for doing so? I have no purpose.
I am desperate to be useful to anyone for any reason at all. I just want to do something that matters. *I* want to matter to someone. But I would rather be ignored than hated so if I am not hated but only am ignored then I am doing something right.