I Walk Alone Among Many

When you see me for the first time I am smiling seemly happy it's only when you look into my dead eyes that you realize the picture doesn't match the inside. I hide the pain as much as I can from everybody. It's almost like I am being fake it would seem but I see it as a way to protect myself from disappointment that has emerged. I no longer believe in romance or the thought of it. I would rather hide my true self from everyone rather than to show the anger,resentment and the disillusionment of my life. It may seem like i should have no wants or needs but all I want is the one thing that I can't have. No matter I tell myself it will only be a short time of pain before I am gone from state and I won't come back. I want to move my family far far away and never return. It is torture living here sometimes and I can't put up with it. I got 3 more semesters in college and then I am gone. I won't even talk to anyone who has ever caused me pain for the memories are too strong. I want to ball myself up at times and I don't I fight through the thought just so I can stand strong, My soul may be long dead but my heart still beats. It beats of sorrow and bittersweet memories. People who aren't the same anymore. I love no matter what but I can't allow myself to be close anymore. I am alone surrounded by people only to be stared at or scorned, It is in my blood that I am 2 be alone. I would rather like that idea anymore. My family is small it is me and my 3 precious children and that is all I need I can ignore the rest of the world and act like nothing bothers me yet inside it kills me. This is my Autumn and that is what I prefer it 2 be, my spring and summer has passed already into oblivion.I no longer care for anything except my children. I will have no one else in my life, it is safer for me and my children. I am neither sad nor happy at this turn of events however I will live like this for a long time. The only love that I will share or give is 2 my children, never to anyone else for it would cause me more pain than happiness. I had happiness twice and each time it shattered away leaving behind either anger or sorrow. I have given my heart twice well no more I say. i am alone. I am me. I am relieved. I am strong. 
kitkat1989 kitkat1989
22-25, F
May 7, 2012