Lost In The Open

I am 19 yrs old. When I was 10 yrs old my father left my family when my mother had just given recent birth to my then one month old brother. Now in the house 9 years later, it is my mother, sister, two brothers, and myself. Between then and now my mother has been diagnosed and fought terminal breast cancer. Being the oldest I have not had any chance to ever explain how I actually feel inside. The feeling of not being wanted by someone who created you. I grew up jealous of other kids with their fathers high fiving them after sporting events, when I had no one to come out of the locker room to. Even in desperate times of need my father would not even give me a glimpse of what it feels like to be wanted. I do not know how to put all these feelings into comprehensible words. All I know is I give everything I can working 2 jobs, going to school, and even coaching my brothers hockey teams. All I ever wanted was to go back to having a Dad but when I realized that wasn't going to happen I gave up. Now with my father taking my mother to court for ludacris reasons, I am finding it harder than ever to contain my feelings. With a limited amount of time to live, I want to have a real relationship with my mother and my family. But all I can think of is looking my brothers in the eyes some day in the near future, and having to tell them that mom is not coming home. I've felt until now that I cannot express my feelings because I have to be strong and brave for my brothers, but every day is getting harder and harder with no one to talk to.
Needit14 Needit14
18-21, M
1 Response Sep 22, 2012

Stay strong Needit14! I don't know you personally but to me, you are an amazing person because not many can do what you do (going to school and have 2 jobs at the same time and even got time to coach your brothers' hockey team!). You are mature beyond your age and I commend you for that.