Weirdo's Need Love Too.Feelings of hopeless-ness:
I always feel like the "outcast". I have never really been "understood" or accepted among my peers. I love to dance but for many years I was held back because I never felt good enough, or skinny enough or beautiful enough to do it. I laugh and make jokes about my self consciousness but deep down in hurts to feel this way.
It may be because I am so weird! I like different things, things normal teens probably wouldn't. I do things differently and behave different. Feeling unwanted is as painful as suicide I would think.. It's made me want to die. I still kind of want to.
The fact that nobody I ever want could EVER want me or see me in the ways I try to see myself HURTS. From the kids I used to go to school with, to the people in my town, to even the people in my family, I am forever not wanted around or at least feeling misplaced. Of course they don't say that... But a person can feel when they aren't wanted. It's the worst. I read people, and most times I feel the connection that they are saying, " Ooh, where'd this chick come from." or "Oh, why is she here."... I hear very well and the remarks hurt me deeply. I even feel that sometimes I am not even here.. I am invisible. I like being invisible sometimes.. where my voice is not heard and I am not seen or paid attention too. It takes away from my self consciousness.
But I am one of the most sweetest, caring, encouraging and beautiful person in the world ! I wouldn't hurt a fly.. So what's not to love? Or even want around?
What's so unattractive about me that keeps me invisible to people? If I knew what it was I would try to change it, but I think now is too late. Since 3rd grade, life has been **** and some happy days. I just wish this storm would end and someone could come along and make me feel like I really do matter and that I am lovable. I want real friends, who really have my best interest at heart and who really love me. I want a guy who will be here for me for reasons more than sex, even if it's just to admire me, and love me.
Lots of people SAY they care and SAY they love me.. But saying you love someone, means nothing if you aren't allowing them to feel that love ; most times the love isn't even there. Smh...