I Lost Myself

Mending a broken heart is so much easier than putting back together the pieces of a broken identity. The last guy I gave my heart to took away everything I have; even myself. Before I met him I was confident, funny, and most importantly happy.
I met this guy over the summer when we worked at a resort in Colorado together. I was 19 at the time and he was 25. I knew to be on my guard around him, and when he started trying to date me I made him chase me for weeks and weeks until I finally gave in. I thought that this relationship would go like the rest had in my life; we would date awhile then I'd find something wrong with him and break things off. The only problem was that I couldn't break it off once things went to crap.
I was fully devoted to this guy, it was like he was a drug. I moved in with him. I did everything he asked. I saw proof of him cheating on me. I fell more and more in love with him as he got colder and colder towards me. I realized that this was a horrible situation and that I needed out of it, and thankfully I got an easy out. I went on an abroad program for three months and vowed that when I said goodbye to him, it would be for the last time.
While I was away I searched for myself. I tried to figure out the meaning of life and what role my life played in the grand scheme of things. However, for some reason the thoughts of him kept coming back up. I had changed myself so completely when I was with him that I now found it impossible to figure out who I actually was. I was lost. I was hurt. I thought of him every single day, knowing he wasn't thinking of me at all.
When I came back from my trip I only lasted three days before I called him. He had forgotten my birthday, he hadn't gotten me anything for Christmas. For some dumb reason I believed him when he said he had missed me and wanted to see me again. So we picked up right where it had left off. I loved being around him, but hated myself for losing my identity to him. He promised me marriage, but won't tell me he loves me.
I know what I need to do, but I can't find the strength to do it. I keep thinking that there's good in him and he'll come around, but I know that's not going to happen. He doesn't care about me. I ruined myself because of him.
I don't know what to do or where to go. I lost all my friends because of this guy.
I lost myself because of this guy.
Diane999 Diane999
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 6, 2013

You are addicted to this guy because of trauma bonding. Learn all you can because knowledge is power and will give you the strength and answers you need to escape.

I swear this if my life story

im sorry to hear that :/ i went through something similar exept in my case with a girl. i had fully lost myself being with her. i devoted my life to her she was my everything untill one day i found out she was cheating on me :'( i keep wanting to hate her so much because i would treat her like a princes i would show my love to her and i always made sure i told her i loved her every single day but as much as i wanted to hate her my heart wouldnt let me and it still doesnt she keeps calling me and messaging me and i simply cant deny her whats so ever. i feel totally lost i have forgotten how to smile without her i have forgotten how to live without her and it sux i too lost myself with this girl.

A victim of early devotion and dedication. In a rush you married before a wedding... Before you developed a love for yourself, you went on to love another and lost yourself in the process..

But not to worry.. Time heals and all the parts will grow back to make you a virgin again... And the next time.. don't rush... let the love develop long with no commitment.. and that is the love for yourself...

Thank you, that's just what I needed to hear. Learning to love myself is the first step in the healing process

way to go.. n all the best.. and a happy journey into the "Discovery of You" and exploration... do give a shout if u need company.