I Lived In a Dream

i dont know where to start from really i had a marriage which was not of chose, i always wanted to fall in love but never had the chance to meet anyone as i was married off at 19. Anyway at the age of 27 i met a guy on the internet chat who shared the same beliefs as me i have 3 children he was not married was same age he never showed me any interest but i was very impressed by him so i begged him to tach me a language which was what his job involved he agreed after so much time and prsuading he made me beg him contiunsley telling me i couldnt have his number and when he gave number he would take it off me and would shout at me abuse me for no reason i took it all becoz all i wanted was to just love him becoz he shared my outlook on life and i felt he could look after me. my husband i dont love and have never loved i have been married to him for9 years and have told him i dont love him but he said he loves me. I also suffer from agoraphobia but not to the extent that i cant go out i work and am capable of getting by i believe due to being trapped in the marriage i am like this an my situation i was used by my parents and then later husband etc. anyway back to ths man this man accepted me and taught me the laguage well he tried an gave me time. i loved his compny so much he made me dependent on him he would say nice things and praise me something which i had never had he acknowledged my personality my care my nature which i loved in between he would abuse me verbally if i did or said anything wrong he always said the relationship was on his terms and never on mine, he even said he hated women becoz they were ******* but i never challenged him on nothing becoz i didnt want him to leave me even though in the 3 years he left me a numourous times and i beged him to come back as i couldnt cope he would on his conditions anyway there came a time in his life where he went thru severe crisis to do with money and needed 12 grand which i was willing to help him i did and gave him he also needed some many things so i would order his shopping and food everything for him which i didnt mind becoz i genuinely thought he loved me becoz i loved him. there even came a month were he demanded sex of me and i didnt give him becoz it went againist my values he demanded this after seeing a picture of me and then from there began to ask for naked videos of me which he manged to get off me i gave him becoz again i loved hime dearly i thought maybe he loved me and maybe oneday we will be together, he even expressed he loved me at this point and said he could never leave me and he wanted me but didnt know how to get me. i went along with it even though i was scared and didnt want to hurt my children and hubi family etc. he said i was the one i helped him thru hardship and he could not believe how much i sacrificed for him. anyway he told me this one week and the next week he changed and decided to with draw i rang him 3 days on the go reali devasted thinging what had i done wrong he picked and said that i was a slag and other things and he didnt like where i was working basically made up alot of things and said i was a piece of **** i crap on  the road i cried so much that i didnt know what hurt me i am crying while am writing this as i dont know what i did to him i gave him everything walked on egg shells to make him hapi left my kids hubi family mentally  for 3 years i missed out so much i wana die i cant take it i have been used so bad i dont care about the money i care about what he did the way i was used the time i lost the honour everything and still i wana be with him when he left me he laughed at me and said i was a piece of **** all this happened yeterday and am so hurt i cant descibe in words oh god punish him...igive up i hope i will get over him. please advice me

nokia6300 nokia6300
31-35
Feb 9, 2009