Battling Never Ending Lifetime Of Lonliness.

I don't want to make this too long so I will share my most recent experiences.

First, I would like to share that I am on anti-depressants for major depressive disorder. I was struggling with some things of my past and I just snapped one day. What mostly contributes to that depression is the fact that my adolescence was deprived socially and that deprivation pretty much evolved and followed me wherever I went.

As a child, I was frequently bullied, teased, I was overweight, and didn't really consider myself handsome. In middle school, girls never found me attractive, so I didn't attend any dances, and didn't have any girls to talk with over the phone. Mind you, this was pre-facebook and pre-myspace times, so I had absolutely nothing to fall back on. I was absolutely oblivious to the fact that this experience would translate into a future that lacked significant social experiences.

All throughout high school, I suddenly slimmed up into this skinny-nerd and things actually got worse as time progressed. I was bullied, teased, and found myself consistently attempting to find a "crowd" to blend into. My entire 9th grade year was just one huge horrible experience.

10th grade year was a little better because I became eligible to take college courses at my local community college. I figured that attending college courses would expose me to other high schools, and therefore get a chance to meet "better" people. Things got better and I finally found my niche. Despite that; however, I previously made a pact with myself stating that I wouldn't lower the standards I previously created for myself. I basically created the perfect woman in my head, and matched that with any girls I thought might have an interest in me. Some girls did find interest, but I didn't see eye to eye with any of them. In fact, all of the girls I have been interested in, still to this day, have had absolutely no interest in me.

Long story short, fast forward to my first college year. This was the perfect chance to re-create myself and start fresh. I actually believed that I'd find an awesome girl and have an awesome time. Little did I know, things would be the opposite; a girl I liked ended up not liking me because at the time I was looking for a virgin (I was one too at that time) and even though she did fit that category, she found me shallow for being that way. Additionally, another girl found interest in me, but personality wise, she just didn't fit the profile. We stopped being friends after an incident.

So here I am, having an extremely hard time finding someone. My roommate at the time found a "perfect" girlfriend. Someone I would have definitely dated. Our next door dorm mate found one too. Subsequently, I ended up being the odd man out, teased for being a virgin for the rest of the school year.

Time progressed, and because I didn't get any scholarship money for the remaining school years, I had to throw my college experience in the trash and do everything online. Not to mention, I had to take out tons of private loans. This is when the level 2 depression hit. My uncle constantly reminded me that I am missing out on the college experience. Today, he still reminds me, and each time it hurts my feelings. On top of that, after I graduated, I couldn't find a job. Two years passed and I have yet to find a job. This is when the level 3 depression hit.

The levels of my depression drastically climbed as life continued its punches. I was a criminal justice major, and I wanted to be a cop, but I'm just too skinny, weak, have a hard time eating correctly, and there is nobody around to help me get fit. I have more people telling me to do it myself, which is probably easy for them to say, instead of helping me get on my feet. As a result, I ended up applying for whatever job I could possibly find. I get interviews, but nobody wants to give me a chance.

My uselessness has become so severe, that I really don't leave the house. I used to go out dancing, which was a chance to leave the house; however, I only did so because my best friend wanted me to go. I wouldn't have otherwise went if that wasn't the case. After a few months of that, he found a girlfriend and decided to retire our bachelor nights out. At first, going out was exciting, but the fact that women were so worried about how the men looked before giving them a chance to dance really pissed me off. I would walk into a dance club and literally feel as if I was the only one there.

I have no job, my friends are doing their own thing, I have thousands of dollars worth of student loans, and I haven't been in a relationship for 3 years. In all honestly, not having a job certainly bothers me, missing out on the college experience sucked too, but was really bothers me is the fact that it's so difficult for me to find a significant other.

People keep telling me to "wait," that she'll "eventually" come, or that there is someone for everyone. I know a few guys who are close to 30 and have had a blast through their 20s! I also know a person who is close to 50 and has never had a relationship experience. That said, I know that being lonely for the rest of my life is a real life possibility.

One of my friends recommended dating sites. I have actually used MySpace (at age 16-18) and a few other websites as a dating tool and even though I did meet quite a few girls, nothing came out of anything. I don't even communicate with those people anymore. Also, I have found dating sites to be a big joke. There are stuck up, racist, attention-******, and selfish women who are are at liberty of going through pages of messages and picking whom ever they want as they see fit.

Recently, despite telling myself that I would never use a dating site again, I decided to try once more. This last experience ended up being nothing more than a repeat of former situations. In this situation, the girl actually picked up on my neediness. I know I am capable of suppressing it, but I have been without a relationship for so long that I am beginning to forget how to establish one.

I have a difficult time mingling with women in public. I just can't go to an arcade, a park, a museum, an amusement park, church, etc, and chat up women. I am so fearful of the outcome of the conversation that I have basically lost all faith in myself as a person. On top of that, I don't really have a hobby (besides using a PC), and the other minimal things I am interested in cost money. That being said, since I don't have a job I don't have money to invest in those things.

As a result of everything, I sit in my home all day with absolutely nothing to do but apply for work. I want to be in a relationship more than anything, but I am just a really broken person and don't find myself to be unattractive. My chances of interacting socially are pretty much done. There is no more college or high school and the economy sucks, so I can't find work. Women don't want a guy who's broke! A guy that has no car and no life. Furthermore, getting a job doesn't guarantee a relationship! I am just so terrified of being lonely and unsuccessful well into my 30s. As I am nearing the big 30, my depression is quickly becoming a part of me more so than an extension of me.

I am a guy who keeps to himself. I don't seek trouble with anyone and only want the most simple things in life. I just want someone to hold and care for and maybe a little job that pays me a little something. I am stuck and I'm doomed to be lonely and worthless for the rest of my life...
TheAnesthetic TheAnesthetic
26-30, M
Sep 23, 2012