I Think We All Do.

Half of the "man" thing is to build up defences, to put up a very strong wall to prevent ever being hurt, not out of fear, but to make yourself stronger. I have a very good wall, it can take almost anything, the biggest hits barely register, and i very rarely let my wall go down.

I very rarely let the wall down, but i do let it down sometimes, i let it down to fall for someone once, and was crushed for my stupidity, i let it down around my sister, we are such good friends i don't really need it around her, she practically thinks of me as a second dad, and a good friend, why would she ever hurt me? and a few times when dealing with my depression. But i usually keep it up, why give strangers an east shot? :)

However i didn't used to have this wonderfully useful wall. This ultimate defence. Back in school, i had no defence, and i was bullied, quite badly. I started building my little wall in secondary school, it was just about enough, but hiding behind a makeshift wall wasnt fun. Once, i tried to come out from behind my wall, and for the first time in years, opened myself up for attack, i made a self-deprecating joke, and my entire family threw it back in my face, over and over. I hid behind my wall for several more years. Even now, a decade later, my brother still likes to throw it in my face, he seems completely unaware, or maybe just doesnt believe how much it hurts me still. That joke is an open wound that despite my best efforts, i have not been able to close, because it reminds me every time of how vulnerable i was, more vulnerable then i have ever been since, offering out a joke, preying for mercy, and getting stomped on my those closest to me.

Everyone likes to crush someone when they are vulnerable, it makes them feel clever, and strong themselves.

Every time you let yourself be vulnerable, and get hurt, that vulnerability is there forever, because it reminds you of how you were, puts you back to how vulnerable you were.

One day im going to have to come up with a unified metaphor for what's going on inside my head.
MrWinstonSmith MrWinstonSmith
26-30, M
Jan 9, 2013