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On the Brink of the Abyss

I am always on the verge of a breakdown. I have had several mini-breakdowns, and I am always terrified that the next one won't be so mini.

People look at me and see strength, a fierce will to survive and to help others survive. What I see is someone too afraid to not survive, to afraid to let myself sink and take other people down with me.

They don't see the turmoil inside, the total abject fear, the desperation. They don't see how tenuous my hold on sanity and reality really are. And I am too weak to let them see, to ask for help, to admit I need help. So I sit, weakly by the wayside, and wait for the next breakdown, and just hope that its not the one.
eyes eyes 31-35, F 2 Responses Nov 17, 2007

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Its a conundrum, alright.

Its hard to know you need help, but that you also need help asking for the help, huh?