My Parents Would Not Have Chosen Me For A Child.

Being the only child of my parents, I always thought I got all their love and attention.  My self esteem is really low.  At first I don't know why and I didn't know I was.  Thought I was normal.  My friends though, they disagree with me.  It might be because they see something in me which I didn't even realize at first. 

I'm actually very independent.  Not that I was born this way but because I didn't have someone to depend on.
As I kid, I've always wished my mom and dad would play with me, got interested in what I do but they never did so I kinda resorted to just living on my own world.  We'll probably they're just busy.  Dad's at work and mom, she's also busy with her stuff.

I don't have the best of things as well.  I don't have all books required in school, not the best clothes either and I never pressured my mom to buy me either because I know we don't much money to buy all the stuff I need.  I don't go to any school activities either because I knew we couldn't afford financially. 

There was even once when my mom told me that we could not afford my schooling anymore and that i had to quit.  Later, mom had this student.  A very pretty one.  She was kinda awed by this girl's beauty.  She enrolled her to music, dance and all that.  They became close and every day they would like go to just anywhere, shopping, travelling.  Later I realized, she enrolled her to college.  She was very proud of her.  She likes to be whereever she is.  She went with her to her graduation ball, to their student parties sometimes.  She would organize a big birthday for her with her friends.

I felt so... we've never done any of this before.   I never had a birthday party in fact they always forget about it.  I never had shopping with her. I tried to ask her if I could enrol in music before but it remained as a dream. Even more painful they would sometime take me with them and I can see the closeness and I'm there just listening to them.  I remembered I was with them and sick and felt very very weak.  I told my mom if we can go home,  She told me to go home alone because she needs to accompany the girl home.  I never went with them after that.

Gee... I really felt left alone and I felt like that if my mom had the chance to choose another child, she would not have chosen me. 
She doesn't actually know me at all.  She doesn't know what foods I like, what I hate to wear and she's never interested and she just there when she needs my help like if she needs me to compute the class grades, or to decorate her room.  I never even remembered that my mom was proud of me --even just once.  I got good grades, my teacher applauds me but it never was enough for her.  I envy children being dressed by their mom or being asked by their mom what they like because I've never experienced that. 

Right now, I'm trying to not think of anything about them.  Trying to convince my self that I am better alone and doesn't really need my parents to survive and be happy.  I'm tired of crying actually.  Well, maybe parents are just there to make their children but it'snot their duty love them. 
jollybgood jollybgood
26-30, F
5 Responses Mar 10, 2011

Can relate :(. My mom never seemed to think a great deal of me - constantly criticised and run down. I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, blah, blah ..... I am oldest of four by ten year gap!!<br />
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I switched off to it in late teen years. Enough was enough. Friends parents thought I was great. Back then I was lucky with my looks. Reasonably smart. Arty. I stopped listening to the crap.<br />
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Now I'm older I realise my mother herself, is an unhappy person. Nothing is good enough for her. It's her own self esteem issues and unhappiness projected out. Plus, I cannot deny, we are also entirely different in character and personality.<br />
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Sometimes, tis just the way! Hope you can come to terms with it one day. I have. All the best. :)

Move very far away from them. Sounds like there is more to this but the distance should allow you to grow and escape this ugly void. No matter how old you get these 'seeds' are planted. Choose to love YOU!

Thank you for your advice. It's actually what I'm trying to do now. However, I just love them so much and the next day, I find myself trying to contact them again. Oh gee!

It's not that unusual. It's not common, but there are others with the same story on EP.

Thanks for sharing. I thought I was the only one who had this kind of story. Such very unusual for parents.

Amen! I totally relate to this, only the "pretty" other girl was once my best friend, who later ditched me because I wasn't cool enough. My mother did the same thing and it really, really hurt. I've discovered that she used to say a lot of mean things behind my back over a period of years and that's why none of my friends stuck around. I've had to realize that, no, she doesn't love me and never did. But that's okay because I can see her true colors now.