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Lost And Confused

Hi.  I am new here and here is my story.

I have been with my husband for 8 years.  We have been married 4 years this december.  I was in fairyland bliss.  Had been ever since i met my husband.  They say love is blind and after what happened to me, i have to agree.  6 months into our marriage, my husband felt the need to cheat on me.  For three months i sat around, happy and unknowingly the fool.  Ignoring the signs that were right in front of my face, i went along with my happy life, wondering why my husband was becoming so distant and unhappy.  I thought it was work.  He spent a lot of time there, going in early, staying late, working 6 days a week.  I thought he was streesed out.  I tried to make coming home a happy time for him.  I met him at the door with a smile, had his supper fixed, whatever i could do to make his life eaiser and make coming home a good thing.  My heart got ripped out by a guy who was the boyfriend of a girl that worked for my husband.  He pointed me in the direction of poems that she had written about my husband and herself.  When i told my husband, he came rushing home, telling me it was not him and he did not know what was going on.  He swore it was not him.  A week later, i got the cell phone bill in.  Hundreds of text messages to her number.  I finally got a confession.  I never thought of leaving him.  Only how i was going to handle the situation.  He quit his job, professed his loyalty to me, was going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me.  I was crushed, my heart ripped out by a man that had said that he would never hurt me.  How was i to trust this man?  Not be terrified every time he left the house without me?  The next year was good.  Hard but he made such an effort.  He was very sweet.  He went into a depression after a year.  He had diabetes, we lost a house we thought we were getting, etc...   I tried to remain upbeat and be there for him but his attitude changed towards me.  He became cold again, hateful.  I got the worst looks anyone could get.  He blamed it on his depression.  He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so everything he did was blamed on this.  He shut me out.  Stopped telling me things.  Took a job that is an hour away.  late nights agian.  He joined a gym, to try to lose some weight and get off some of his meds he says.  He started smoking, to help him lose weight and help with stress, he says.  One night he didn't even come home.  I begged him to just come home, but he refused.  I didn't even know why.  Then he says he is sorry and that he loves me and that he wants to find the man he once was just as bad as i do and that he wants to quit smoking and he wants to love me the way that i love him.  Then he gives me these digusting looks, doesn't want to go anywhere, (ok so maybe he's tired), doesn't tell me anything, doesn't touch me, hold me, kiss me, only tells me he loves me after i have told him or if he is leaving for work or hanging up the phone.  I didn't get anything for Valentine's day.  I feel like i am only here to launder his clothes, cook his meals, look after his kids and forfill his "desires" every now and again.  I am deeply in love with this man, who am i to him?  I have asked, he won't tell me.  Only says that if i don't know, he's not telling me.  he used to text me all day, call me several times a day.  Now, i am lucky to hear from him at all during the day.  I am not apart of his life outside of this house.  He seems so happy when he is leaving for work and then he doesn't smile at all when he is home.  this man, who used to touch me all the time, kiss me all the time, make out with me all the time, hardly ever touches me anymore.  Why does it seem so hard for him to love me?

deeplydriven deeplydriven 36-40, F 6 Responses Feb 24, 2010

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I may not know the right thing to do all the time but I do know what not to do. Do not stay. Leave him. Divorce him. If you want to love him from afar then do so but do not be at ground zero when he does implode. Just because he chooses to sink does not mean you should go down with him on that ship. He has already harmed you multiple times. Do not let him drive you to the nuthouse. Best wishes for you

Because I have lived in your shoes <br />
And I know what this does to your self esteem your sense of worth, I know you don't want to know because your heart doesn't want to hurt ... But if it's the same characteristics he had when he cheated before , what do you think he is doing ? You weren't ignorant to it before , I bet if you are honest with yourself , you knew ... Be honest with yourself now ... I lived this with 2 different woman for 10 years ..... It took my self love self esteem my happiness ... Because I was led to believe it wad my fault ( easy way out for him! ) after being hospitalized for clinical depression manic depression and almost suicide ... I learned it's all him and the truth sets me free ... I jailed myself and my true emotions by ignoring what my instinct and Geary told me and living a shared of lies..<br />
He will never value you until you do <br />
What had he got to lose ?????<br />
U pray for you... I hope I can teach you something I learned the hard way

pleeez leave...this type of life you are living is NOT what you deserve. You are special and worth having someone who treats you better.

is the kids yours or his?? take a step away from the situation. the situation between my boyfriend and i is almost similar. except he never cheated. i do his laundry, look after his kids, make the food, have a coffee ready when he gets home, do the dishes etc. i never ask anything from him. I have to smile when his ex just "drops" by to see the kids. i feel worthless and underappreciated and that i dont deserve his love. A couple of months ago a holiday has been arranged by his parents for him, the kids, me and them. A months or two back i refused to go with. I needed a break from him, his kids and the whole situation. now he is on holiday and i am relaxing enjoying the silence. I figured out that i can be the whole independent woman i was before. so hopefully when he gets back he wont take me for granted again. so go away, take a step back. you need it. hopefully he realises what he has with you

I'm sorry you are feeling unloved. It seems unlikely that your husband will change without intense therapy. He obviously had problems from the very beginning. Try not to focus on him so much. He's probably tired of hearing about it. Get out and do something for yourself, and the kids. Try to find a support group for you and the kids to help you learn how to live with his disorder. The only other thing you can do is leave him. I have a great marriage but I watched my sister go through something very similar for thirty years of marriage. She loved him too. He would never admit there was anything wrong with him. He ended up killing my sister and niece. My suggestion would be to leave. But that's just me. You are the one who is going to have to be strong, for you and the kids.

Separation does not mean divorce, just step away a few months. There is a country western song the intitled "consider me gone" and do it. Sure, our mood change all the time, our feeling too, and our bodies. Apparently, he had a good time away from home, he wants some more and can't get it and is now going through mid-life crises.