Down On My Luck In San Diego.

Yep, I feel pretty worthless right about now.

I moved to san diego back in 2003... I was following a girl. We stayed together another 3 years only to have her eventually cheat on me... I was able to feel better eventually because she was young, and I was her first...everything. I can't blame a person for wanting to find out what "other people" are like. Still, it was heartbreaking. She gave back the engagement ring that I had given to her, and I had to sell it for about 10% of what it originally cost me. But it just so happens that I was in a good place back then... freshly graduated, had a group of friends to hang with... but these things add up.

A friend of a friend ended up moving to san diego about 5 months later, and we hit it off. This girl was AMAZING. She was smart, beautiful, and for some reason she liked me. All seemed right with the world for about... 2-3 months... When suddenly she broke it off. I was confused, but the truth came out when she called me at 3am one day crying. She had tried to commit suicide by slashing her wrists with a serrated knife. She had gotten out of an abusive marriage about a year earlier, and even though she did what was right, she felt a very deep sense of failure. There was a lot of blood. I took her to the hospital, kept watch over her until she was asked if she wanted to be alone, which she did. Her mother came later the next day and they began the trek home... I was still very much in love with her, so of course I called her to make sure she was okay. But I think I reminded her of a painful time, so she eventually began to ignore me and she even removed me from her myspace page.

A few weeks passed, and she finally messaged me apologizing. We're friends now, but nothing more. In fact she's now happily married to someone else.

And like some sort of bad remake of an old classic movie... the same thing happened again. Another friend of a friend moved to SD... she was not as beautiful, or as smart, but she was never timid with her feelings or opinions... which was amazing to me. It lasted 2 years... 2 awesome years. The best relationship I've ever been in. She talked about marraige, she talked about kids... all things that I would very much like to have. But last weekend she woke up different... after 2 years she just decided she had lost herself and needed to leave me. She packed her things and left for home. I can't fault a person for wanting to do what's right for themselves.... but I miss my best friend.

I'm 27... I have 4 years to find someone and start a family before I will most certainly never achieve that goal.

The move Bronx tale says something to the effect that each man has 3 true loves in his lifetime (not including their mother). I feel like I've had my three, and there's not going to be a wife and kids in my future. I feel like it's my destiny to meet wonderful women who are on their way to greater things, but to never be the greater thing in their life. Like some sort of Steward, watching over them as they pass through my life to begin their's without me.


yep, feelin' pretty worthless.

26-30, M
Feb 5, 2009