I Feel Worthless
I'm currently enrolled at a four year university however come the end of this semester I won't be do to poor academic standing. I have been too ashamed to say anything to my parents and as always its going to catch up to me.
First, a little bit about my family. I know a lot of this seems irrelevant, but I want to get as much insight as possible so I'm trying to be honest and detailed. My parents are both extremely intelligent and hardworking people. They both came from very difficult backgrounds (especially financially), but managed to go to school through sheer willpower and make something of themselves. My Dad has the best work ethic and drive I think I've ever seen in someone period. My Mom is probably the smartest person I know and I'm always amazed at how much she can keep together schedule-wise while raising three sons myself included. They have both always pushed my two younger brothers and I to work as hard as we could in school and that we could be whatever we wanted. They were incredibly nurturing and did everything they could to see my brothers and I excel in school. My Dad pretty much let me get away with anything as long as my grades were good.
My academic performance has been an ongoing battle since my freshman year of high school. Prior to that, I had been a straight A student all through middle school and junior high and exceeded academic standards. I really don't know how it started happening, but by the end of my first semester freshman year, I had two Cs, two Bs, and one A. While I know this is nothing to be ashamed about, this downward trend continued on throughout high school. Some of my grades would drop as low as a D or even an F at times and I would have to struggle to bring them back up before the semester was over. Every semester was another struggle with some other class. I would start each semester with a positive hard-working attitude and hit the ground running, but I always found a way to screw it all up. It was never just a little mistake in my classes either. One grade would drop and all of the others seemed to come crashing down around me. My parents and I began fighting on a regular basis. To avoid confrontation I began hiding the truth and lying to them about my grades/homework on a regular basis. Of course they would always have to find out one way or another so I felt constantly on edge around my family.I managed to graduate with a 3.12, which again isn't bad, but to my parents it was unacceptable given the potential they saw in me and I knew I could do much better too. What bothered my parents even more was that I got a 34 on my ACT which was only a testament to what they already knew I was capable of. What was even worse, my friends that had been the trouble makers throughout Junior High were working hard and getting their acts together while I, the "smart one," was falling apart.
My ACT score and the honors classes that brought up my high school GPA allowed me to get into a relatively selective private college's Pre-Med program. Just like so many times at high school, I started off the semester smoothly. I was studying each night and doing my reading assignments on time. I was so happy. However, I got a D on a chemistry test in mid October. I don't know how, but after that I started oversleeping for my classes and stopped keeping up with the course work. After only my first semester there, I was placed on academic suspension and was barred enrollment for the spring semester and would have to wait for the fall semester to go back. This was devastating to my family and I. I didn't know what to say. Not only had a failed myself, I had failed my parents who had worked so hard to give me what I have. The shame was unbearable. Not only did my extended family find out, but neighbors and family friends would come visit and see me home when they thought I was away at school. I didn't say a word to my friends and communicated with them as little as possible.
In order to try and get myself back on track I enrolled at the local community college and got a job working with a landscaping company. While my parents weren't completely satisfied, they were at least calmed to see me taking initiative. Things went well at the community college that spring and I enrolled for some courses for the summer too and more classes for that fall come September. Over the summer, I decided it was better financially to go to a state university in the spring semester instead of returning to the private school. Instead of Pre-Med I wanted to major in History and maybe become a teacher. Life was good and it was nice feeling myself get back on track.
The spring semester is at a close now and I have left myself in the same position I was in a year and a half ago. I can't stand the thought of returning to my parents as a failure the second time. I keep thinking of committing suicide. This will sound odd but sometimes getting up from bed I'll say to myself, "Just kill yourself." Psychotic, but true. I just don't think I could ever follow through with it, because I feel I've already done enough to this family. Instead I find myself wishing I would die in an accident or something. I know how unhealthy these thoughts are, but to get rid of them I need to have a plan so I at least know what's going to happen. One possibility I've considered is enlisting in the Army. I feel the structured environment and discipline will help me find the drive I've been looking for all along. However, I'm not in shape enough to pass basic. I have been planning to ask my friend to help push me to work out this summer and I plan to start dieting as well. This could also be a much needed confidence boost and would obviously have only positively impact my life later on down the road.
I just want to do whatever I can to get out of my parents' and little brothers' way as possible. They're happy together but when I'm there everyone seems to tense up for the next major meltdown. If there's one positive thing about all of this, its made me appreciate my family. Whatever I end up doing, I want to do it with as little help from my parents as possible. I'm 20 years old and I know I need to start taking care of myself because it will only get harder down the road and I refuse to let myself burden my parents anymore without making something of myself first.
Does anyone have any advice as far as talking to my parents, exercise, enlisting, or any other relevant information goes? It would be nice to at least talk to someone about all of this before I have to dive into it blind.
Thank You,
Kevin
