It Got Worse After Last Weeks Argument

I am going through feel these feels so much lately. deep feelings of worthlessness, and self hate, confusion and worry about the future, feeling misunderstood, and fearful of what others think of me- and my diary. I feel worried I am changing lately, sexual feelings and lack of interest, worry about where I am at with myself and who I think I am or what I think I am capable of.

I feel sexually lost- worried am I swaying to a prude and non sexual thought process??? I love mens bodies and faces, I desire a romance and feeling the warm strong safe arms of a good man. but sexually lately I'm loosing interest fearing assault and being made fun of again by a man. I am going through so much self doubt about my capabilities and what I really can do with my life- I'm a looser, and men can see that, maybe that is why they ignore me and the one who talk are weird, and even when I lost weight and changed my hair and tried to be more confident - maybe that is why it didn't work, right? maybe I'm a big reject turn off ugly dog. a try hard and spastic and even when I am confident and trying to get mens attentions it doesn't work cuz they see through me- they see the confused and nervous weird little child in me being molestered and cringing and fearful. nervous and nervous as hell, that is all I am - I'm in pain tonight. and I am depressed. my sleep patterns are out of sync. I feel fat and empty. I look at men and think "whow, cute! but as if he'd look at me anyway. get real, looser!" "what was I thinking?" anyway getting a crush on rick or whoever - they don't welcome it. I feel so ugly and a failure at men. its always been that way. for a short time when I lost weight I did try, but I knew I was always destined to loose, cuz it was too late to sell myself as a hetro at 27, I was a virgin for too long. men treated me so badly i got used to being ignored or mocked by them, rejected, and forgotten. there is something not really right about me. I have lost everything that matters at university. I fear never getting the chance to go back and study. I fear I will be left here in a run down old house that is falling apart and messy to be left with two degenerate senile parents while my **** sister finds yet another guy to feel sorry for her- and run after her.

the world will easily forget a little spastic dog like me and not care about the pain for sex abuse I endured as a child by a smelly old drunk and the ugly labels as a mongol red hair brat- funny but I was not really brat like , I was an angry kid at 7 being abused and just no-one cared to take the time and ask, help or talk. not one ever rang or said hi, or sent a card. i easily faded into being no one. in my early teens. never being invited or being pushed away. while my sister got all the attention.

I am so fearful of can I ever do a good course and get intelligent and make intelligent decisions ever again. save or write well.
I am fearful of being pushed into jobs that are dead-end and bad money. no study opportunities. I fear rotting away here and no one caring at all. what was wrong with me that no nice guy took an interest in me when I was pretty and clever???? what was wrong with them????
i got depressed when kelly college dumped on me- and its got worse. I have hit my skull badly to punish myself for not passing on time. they promised me and then deliberately ******* on me. it will never stop- I will be dead soon and men hate me for no good reason at all. and women keep wrecking my virgina and head- I wish a man would stand up to some of these ******* and stop them. I wish they'd just see reason and like me for all the good qualities and not the ones that are not as good yet.

i'm sick of men rejecting me. and people degridating me- it does make me feel worthless and it can't make them feel too good about themselves anyway.
czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
Aug 5, 2010