Am I Worthless?

For as long as I can remember, I have had a feeling that I am not good enough to meet up to the standards set by others expectations. 

As a child, I always felt unloved by my father because of my gender.  I think he really wanted a boy; someone to carry on the family traditions and name.  Instead, he got me, and he never knew how to relate to me.  All the things he taught me were 'guy' things.  Some of these tasks I am grateful to know - like using the tools in my tool box, checking the oil in my car and such.  However, most of the time, he ignored me because he didn't't want or know how to be a father to a girl.  It has be almost 14 years since I have spoken to him. 

When I got married, at age 25, it was for all the wrong reasons.  It was more for societal expectations and not because he was 'the love of my life.'  I walked through my marriage with rose-colored glasses and chose to ignore our problems - including his addictions and employment instability.  I beat myself up trying to be the wife and mother I was expected to be.  Well, I enjoyed the mother part, but lost all desire in being the wife.  Eventually, I started feeling 'why bother at all.'  Then, I would look at my children and know my answer.  So, I picked myself up and left a marriage that should never have happened.  Fortunately, it did because I would not have received the two greatest people in life - my children.

After the divorce, I floundered wanting and needing to find love.  I was duped into a short term relationship with a man who said he loved me and wanted to marry me.  The sex was the best I had experienced to that point in my life.  Then, he showed his true colors!  He did't want to share me with anyone - including my children.  It was then that he became abusive and attempted to beat my child.  I stood between him and my son to prevent a fight.  My son was only 10 years old.  We left very promptly.  About three months later, we saw him in a store.  My daughter peed her pants from the fear of seeing him.

The man who saved us from the brutal past does love me and my children, but he isn't't strong enough to beat down my dysthymic walls.  We used to live together until I could breathe any more.  Between his wanting a soul-mate and holding on too tightly and his baggage (ex-wife, mother, sister and brother plus family), I was beat down daily.  When I moved (just down the street), I felt free because I had space to call my own. 

Now that I am on my own, the men I meet only want my physical qualities and don't care about the rest of me.  Yes, I fall for the brief moments of being wanted.  Later, I realize how stupid I was to fail myself again.  I love having this freedom and am finally comfortable with my sexuality, but I'm tired of being used as a toy.  Never having felt what it is to be unconditionally loved by a man, I am afraid that I will miss it when he comes to me.  So, I grasp at any opportunity that comes my way.  Ultimately, I find myself to be 'not good enough.'  Thus, I am worthless.  I do not want to be alone.  I do not want to die alone.  I just want to be loved for who I am - unconditionally.

Thank you for reading my story - albeit - sad, but true tale.  Welcome to the nightmare I call - my life.sad
thinthread thinthread
46-50, F
2 Responses Aug 5, 2010

I assure you that you are not worthless. All souls are precious. I understand what makes men so selfish, lived a lot of years being like that and still in recovery :) . Not all men are selfish, insecure and self-centered, make sure to be friends first. Already married myself but do like to chat and make online friends.

Hi, my name is Kevin, can realate to your feelings of worthlessness. I grew up in a hope where my father was very in mature and loved his daughters, the second daugther actually, He owned a construction company, so I worked with him, the look on his face when something went wrong was all I needed to see to feel like garbage, I felt he hated me. The disgust on his face when I did something wrong, he would through what has ever in his hands, the message was loud and clear to me, I was worthless, I spent most of my childhood feeling like a lost empty person. I understand how you feel. I also want to find love, I have wanted to love my wife with all my heart and every once of my being give her respect. and honor her always. the women I have been married to just use, and abuse me Make me just angry. If you need to talk, I will be happy listen to you.<br />
Best wishes <br />
Kevin