I Feel Worthless For The Randomest Reasons.

I think I'm worthless because I'm a Capricorn and I have high ambitions that I'll never reach.
I think I'm worthless because my mother used to frequently call me a waste product and I have trouble getting anything done because I'm always sad and I don't believe in myself.
I'm worthless because I'm bisexual and I think that makes me disgusting and inferior and I always feel unsafe because I feel like everyone hates me for it.
I'm worthless because I'm white and I feel like that makes me a worse singer and dancer than black people and less beautiful than Hispanic people and it makes me stupider and uglier than Asians and it just generally makes other races think I have it made and that I'm ignorant of the world...
I'm worthless because when I had a sex addiction I sexually harassed my teachers and I feel like that makes me a horrible person even though I apologized....
I'm worthless because my dad died of cancer and I didn't find the cure to cancer and save him...
I'm worthless because I'm selfish daughter to my mom and I wasn't there for her when she was grieving for my dad and I generally mess up everything with her...
I'm worthless because I'm generally incapable of everything.
I'm worthless because I can't shake my negative feelings about everything and I'm always trying to punish myself.
I'm worthless because I deserve punishment constantly in life and the punishments I do get will never amount to what I deserve.
I'm worthless because the boy I'm in love with doesn't want to be my friend anymore
I worthless because the burdens I carry always knock me to the floor and I find it impossible to get up again...
thecaptrap thecaptrap
18-21, F
1 Response Jun 7, 2011

When you were born does not decide whether you can achieve your ambitions. You have the power to make your life what you want it to be, within human boundaries (Flying isn't going to be achievable - unless you want to get a pilots license!). Your mother's view of you has corrupted your own view of yourself - you can't possibly be a waste product. No human can be. To call you a waste product only shows that your mother cruel and out of touch with reality. I am going to guess you were raised religiously, in a religious area, to believe that being bisexual makes you worthless. My belief has always been that a person's sexuality is between them and God - One person, at the least, doesn't look down on you for that in any way. It might make other people insecure, not sure of where the situation stands - but if someone reacts to that situation by hating the cause of it, they are going to be destroyed by life. Life doesn't change just because you hate something in it that you don't understand. It only changes when you communicate to understand what it is that scares you. If you look through history, there are plenty of white singers and dances, plenty of attractive white people, and plenty of very smart white people. Incidentally, I am not racist, but I don't find Hispanics or Asians very attractive. <br />
As for the sex addiction.. I can't say much. I have my own struggles. Just know that apologizing for your actions is more than I have done, and taking that step required more courage than most people in the world can muster. <br />
I'm sorry for you that your dad died, but you can't blame yourself. Unless you are a doctorate level medical graduate, there is no way you could find the cure for cancer. For decades scientists have searched, using the latest tools and huge amounts of resources. When the cure is found, it won't be found by one person - it will be discovered through the decades of small progresses. You might even be a part of that process, if you go into medical school. <br />
You were dealing with your own grief. It sounds as though you don't really have a very stable relationship with your mom, and that's not entirely your fault. Every relationship is built on two people - she shares any blame for where you stand as mother-daughter. You can't blame yourself for her actions. Unless you think she has no intelligence and is not capable of making her own decisions? She is responsible for what she has decided to do, including the way she treats you. Don't take that blame for yourself. <br />
You aren't incapable of everything. Realistically, only the most mentally or physically damaged people can't do anything. What you are is depressed, and doubting that you can succeed at anything you do. You are the one who decides if you succeed or not. It might take time, and it will take work, but you can put in the time and work and do what you want to make your ambitions realizable. <br />
Whatever do you deserve punishment for? Being alive? Life isn't about punishment and what you deserve. Life is about living and making changes. I don't know where you stand on religion, but I take solace in the fact that the God I believe in has redeemed the world. A world that is otherwise irredeemable, NO MATTER WHAT. In other words, it wouldn't matter how much someone tried to do - they would still fail to be good enough if He weren't forgiving. It isn't a matter of what you couldn't do in life, but of what you decide to do. <br />
People change, people can be cruel, and people can be amazing. I don't mean to offend, but as young as you are, do you really know what love is? I don't doubt you understand lust, but love is a whole different matter. Why do you think you love him? Is there anything really special there? Why doesn't he want to be your friend anymore? <br />
Perhaps not being able to get back up with the weight of all of those burdens means you should let some of them go. You can't carry the weight of the world. Many people I have met wouldn't be able to handle carrying even half of what you are - heck, I don't even carry half of what you are handling and I still have my own issues with depression. I don't know how you've managed, but I respect you for it. Now its time to let some of those burdens go. <br />
I did a random search of why men are worthless, and ended up on this page. I am glad I did, if anything I have said helps in any way. I hope that, even a year after you posted this, you are still around and still connected.