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No One Like Me...

Just to let you know, I'm not doing this hoping it will help me or anything. Unlike most people, I don't get depressed knowing that I am worthless. In fact, I am glad to able to know I am worthless and avoid putting my hopes up in anything I do. The thought me me being worthless came when I failed a entrance exam on a state university. I was really hoping to pass since it is a good school and the tuition is very low. When that happened, I was crushed. I tried my best to keep a smiling face to my family and friends.But, it hurt more that I thought it would so when I was alone in my room, I cried silently. Back then, I was thinking that it was okay, well that was just me being naive because I was only 12 years old. Since I didn't passed, my parents have no choice to enroll me in a private school. First I thought I was just normal and I could study happily but that didn't happen. I sometimes see my parents despair due to the tuition. We are not a very wealthy family but my parents tried their hardest to make sure of our education. Every time I see them unhappy and troubled due to our education expenses, I could helped blame myself. If only I passed the entrance exam, my parents wouldn't be troubled. As I begin my high school life, the problems keep on coming. I just it started when a bad habit of mine got out of control. I am fully aware that the habit was wrong and that it was a part of growing up but I want to change it. I decided to erased this bad habit of mine but gradually failed. No matter how hard I try, I couldn't succeed. Just like everything I do. It seems like if I want something and work hard for it, it could never be mine. As time passed by, I started to hate myself for being such a worthless trash. I started accepting the fact that I am worthless and sometimes say it in front of the mirror whenever I feel like it. It hurts a lot, knowing I am worthless. I probably think that God does not love me, it isn't because I blame Him for everything that happened to me, it is because I failed Him so many times. Every night I pray t that I will change but nothing happen. I thought it was because I am not trying hard enough but even so, I never change. I still commit bad habits and act bad at other people. After so many failed attempts, I figured He hates me for being so worthless. As time passed by, I grew to hate myself but I don't let people see it. I still make a smiling face to my friends and family. I often think that all this blessing was wasted on me. I don't deserve it. Suicide has cross my mine many times but I am to weak to commit it. Like I said, just by knowing I am worthless and I hate myself to the point that I can't never forgive myself doesn't make me depressed. Of course it hurts a lot and sometimes I cry but being depress for me will not help. If I became depress, people will worry about me and I don't really like people to waste their time helping a worthless trash like me.

P.S
I am just doing this to try it out, I am not hoping that you will understand or help me.
Sorry if I cost you your time,
marc228 marc228 18-21 3 Responses May 22, 2012

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You didn't waste my time either. :)

Well I honestly dont believe you're a horrible person because you've thought your parents and how they feel about your education. That's something a lot of kids of today don't appreciate or thought of. God don't like wicked people who commit awful crimes so God do love you however hard it is to believe. I also understand why u thought that way cuz I thought the same thing cuz I have a depression and i feel like he gives others happiness and not me even those who sucks. Anyway Chin up at least you've tried so forgive yourself. Tell your family the truth so they can help you.

You're really a terrible person you know. You have horrible thoughts about hurting others? You go around committing crimes? You care nothing about anyone but yourself? You don't care at ll about your family? Right? Wrong! This shows that you are not a terrible person. You care about your family. You love them. You try to do the right thing. That's hard in this world. The people who do go around doing terrible things and don't care about others are truly the ones that are a disppointment to God. You are a good person. You care about others. You are not perfect. You are human. It's frustrating when we fail at things we try and feel like a disappointment. but sadly that's part of life. You deserve to stop saying all those negative things to yourself and say to yourself everyday that you are a good person. You have to work on accepting yourself. I wish I could tell you how, but believe me I have no idea. I just know that you are NOT worthless. Just by your post I can tell what a good, loving and God fearing person you are. Your family loves you. Don't hurt them by hurting yourself and telling yourself that you are worthless. You certainly are not.