No One Like Me...Just to let you know, I'm not doing this hoping it will help me or anything. Unlike most people, I don't get depressed knowing that I am worthless. In fact, I am glad to able to know I am worthless and avoid putting my hopes up in anything I do. The thought me me being worthless came when I failed a entrance exam on a state university. I was really hoping to pass since it is a good school and the tuition is very low. When that happened, I was crushed. I tried my best to keep a smiling face to my family and friends.But, it hurt more that I thought it would so when I was alone in my room, I cried silently. Back then, I was thinking that it was okay, well that was just me being naive because I was only 12 years old. Since I didn't passed, my parents have no choice to enroll me in a private school. First I thought I was just normal and I could study happily but that didn't happen. I sometimes see my parents despair due to the tuition. We are not a very wealthy family but my parents tried their hardest to make sure of our education. Every time I see them unhappy and troubled due to our education expenses, I could helped blame myself. If only I passed the entrance exam, my parents wouldn't be troubled. As I begin my high school life, the problems keep on coming. I just it started when a bad habit of mine got out of control. I am fully aware that the habit was wrong and that it was a part of growing up but I want to change it. I decided to erased this bad habit of mine but gradually failed. No matter how hard I try, I couldn't succeed. Just like everything I do. It seems like if I want something and work hard for it, it could never be mine. As time passed by, I started to hate myself for being such a worthless trash. I started accepting the fact that I am worthless and sometimes say it in front of the mirror whenever I feel like it. It hurts a lot, knowing I am worthless. I probably think that God does not love me, it isn't because I blame Him for everything that happened to me, it is because I failed Him so many times. Every night I pray t that I will change but nothing happen. I thought it was because I am not trying hard enough but even so, I never change. I still commit bad habits and act bad at other people. After so many failed attempts, I figured He hates me for being so worthless. As time passed by, I grew to hate myself but I don't let people see it. I still make a smiling face to my friends and family. I often think that all this blessing was wasted on me. I don't deserve it. Suicide has cross my mine many times but I am to weak to commit it. Like I said, just by knowing I am worthless and I hate myself to the point that I can't never forgive myself doesn't make me depressed. Of course it hurts a lot and sometimes I cry but being depress for me will not help. If I became depress, people will worry about me and I don't really like people to waste their time helping a worthless trash like me.
I am just doing this to try it out, I am not hoping that you will understand or help me.
Sorry if I cost you your time,
marc228 18-21 3 Responses 1 May 22, 2012