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I Bought This Upon Myself

I don't know where it started. I wasn't always this person, or maybe I just didn't realise it.
I have all the opportunity in the world. I have my health, a loving partner and family, intelligence, good looks, friends, social grace.
But somehow, day by day I squander it. I don't deserve it. I never reach my full potential. I'm never what I should be. I don't know if I'll ever achieve what I should achieve. My best, be worthy. I feel so selfish, having all these blessings, having so many people supporting me, helping me, but somehow I waste it all. Letting life slip through my fingers. I want to change, but can't, don't know where to start, don't know if I can. Have lost hope. Living a lie. I'm not worthy of their love, trust and respect. I've trick them, I'm a decietful liar. Why do I do this? Why am I this way? I tell myself I'm lazy, spoilt and selfish and that I can change if I just try harder. But I never do. 19 years later and it's the same. Am I depressed? But depression is an easy way out. Surely I'm not, I'm just weak and need to try harder. One day I'll make good, I will allow myself to be happy, I will deserve their love. Just need to try harder.lucy.bordeaux
Lucydeaux Lucydeaux 26-30 3 Responses Jun 6, 2012

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Oh depression is not a cop out. How can u say that?

You are worthy. You didn't bring this on yourself. Depression did or something started you off and it spiralled down from there. You have a partner and a family who loves you and all things you've said u have. I am a single mom with no partner and my life sucks. Why not try counselling or visit moodgym.org?<br />
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Do u have little kids? Yes? You may have post natal depression. No? Depression or just feeling low in yourself. Why not try yoga, self defence? Do something for U.

Worthy of who?<br />
Should do what?<br />
Write it all down, what you "should" be, and then think about whether that's even reasonable.<br />
<br />
Seems like they like you the way you are.