Is It Just Because Its MondayI don't know if it is just the Monday blahs or if I am facing a little crisis in faith. That faith doesn't always go hand in hand with God. The faith I am talking about is faith in myself. I believe in God, but that is not the main focus of my story. I will touch a little bit about God, because that is what has brought me to my current state of emotion.
I don't know where to turn to within my world. The world that exists right where I am at. I have this website, but it still only exist through the web. The web is not tangible. You can't touch it, nor hold it. You can't get physical satisfaction from typing on the keyboard. I express my hurt, my dissapointment and most of all my worthlessness on this keyboard simply to relieve something dwelling inside of me. I appreciate the fact I have the Experience Project because I can share, but the truth is, I am still in pain.
I started off today just like any other day, with hope that today is the day I can be strong. I was good for awhile, but as the morning continued I was feeling less than okay. Physically I am a wreck, but I still was okay. The last few days had been good. I had called a former employer about a position he had open in his company. We talked, and I had hope. He was to call Friday, but he didn't. That was okay though. I didn't press it with him. The weekend was okay too. No major internal conflicts that hampered the mood.
Come Monday, I could feel myself slipping. I am not in a very dark place, yet. It is a mood of worthlessness, because I could see people around me being as normal as possible. Not me.
I got an email from a friends' mother this morning. She has a ministry that uses the internet to preach and pray. Nothing wrong with that. I read most of what she writes, because she has good things to say, for the most part. What kind of bothers me is that she makes it a point to say God will answer all prayers, no matter how big or small. I do believe in the power of prayer, but God does not answer all. Anyways, she mentioned that she is up for a very good job with a school district that will enable her to leave her current job. That job she is leaving is also very good. She works for either Dell Computers or Apple Computers. She says that is all the doing of God, and because she is faithful she is more or less being rewarded.
I want to work for a good company too, so why doesn't God help me? I pray. I do good works with my faith. I send money to a charity each month even though I am unemployed. What about me?
That lady said she had a friend within the school district that is giving her the oppurtunity. So who should she be grateful to? Her friend and or God? I am glad she got what she wanted, but that email brought about the feeling that I am worthless because I don't work and my faith is weak. I am still capable of supporting myself now, so I am not a deadbeat. It just feels I have no one supporting me.
Why is it that our self worth is tied to others? We all have our own needs that are met for the most part, but let someone else tell you that they have it better than you. Then your worth takes a nosedive. I know my friends' mother does not know how at times how much her emails hurt more than help. The sad thing is that her emails are of course sent out in bulk to about 100 people, so she has only three or four times ever sent me an email just asking how am I doing. Same with my other so called friends. They ask how am I doing, you simply state fact, then it's, oh I am sorry to hear that. Keep in touch let me know how it works out, but I have to go now. Doesn't do much for me. If you don't care then don't ask.
Worthless or not, I am still trying, but it gets more difficult. I am in a dark place now, I feel defeated today, maybe tomorrow can be different.