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I'm Just a Bad Dream

Today started out to be an average day.  I woke up, fed the baby, the horses, washed dishes, cleaned up a bit, did my "Cardio Salsa" work-out video.  Then it happened.  I looked in the mirror.  At first what I saw wasn't "too bad".  Then the more I looked the worse it got.  Disgusting.  My arms were HUGE.  My stomache was hanging over my pants because the skin is still stretched from having the baby 2 months ago.  I was completely nauseated by what I saw.  I couldn't help thinking to myself "Maybe when I'm thin my live will be better somehow."  But deep down inside I know nothing will change.  I've been down this road before.  When I was about 16 I went 2 weeks without eating,  well eating very spiradically.  I became very thin, boys started to notice me, everything I thought I wanted.  But I hated the attention, completely dreaded it.  I felt even more disgusting somehow.  Like I couldn't live up to the person they assumed I was.  My self confidence hit an all time low.  I just didn't understand it.  Everything in my life was supposed to miraculously get better.  It didn't of course, and here I am today with the same issue.  I should be older and wiser, why am I not past this?  I still consider starving myself, sometimes when I think I've eaten too much I want to vomit so badly.  How much longer can I keep this craziness at bay?  I should be happy, I have so much to be thankful for.  But then again maybe its not the weight.  It's deeper than that.  It's the self hatred I've been harboring against myself since my early teens.  I hate myself.  Why couldn't I have been smarter?  Funnier?  More charismatic?  Why do I care so much of what others think of me?  Why do I have to be so awkward and shy?  Why do I feel like such a disappointment?  I just wish with all my heart that one day I'd wake up and I wouldn't feel like this.  I'd be so happy, I'd have tons of friends, be the life of every party, and just be so loved my everyone.  And the person I am today, I wouldn't bother remembering her.  I'd pretend like she was just a really bad dream..But how?  How in the world will I ever change so drastically?  Even if I give it everything I've got will I be able to?  I really hope so because I don't want to spend the rest of my life being the wasted piece of space that I am today.
BedazzledBeauty20 BedazzledBeauty20 19-21, F 5 Responses Oct 16, 2007

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You sound like you need some psychological help :O

The "wasted piece of space" you are referring too is actually the person at the other end of the mirror, not you. You are the most loved person on earth, the sexiest, the most beautiful, the loveliest, and the most important in your life. Love thyself, the rest will follow. good luck.

I feel the same way and every time I try to be that amazing person I want to be... It vanishes. Lasts for maybe a night and it's usually because I start drinking. It is such a horrible feeling and makes for a dark life. Pretty pathetic to only be outgoing and fun and people want to be around me when I'm drunk.

Wow, I totally relate to this story, it's what I go through almost everyday and you know how I avoid it? I avoid mirrors! Great trick right? Everything you mentioned feeling is how I feel. Like I should be this other person, this better person and it's 100% my fault for not being her. Being the life of my party, being loved by everyone, my two biggest wishes. Now I'm not pretending to be wise or all-knowing or anything (hell I'm only 16!) but when reading your story I formed a piece of advice that might work, I hope it helps you. You mentioned you had a baby right? Only two months ago: he/she must be the most precious thing right now, and hopefully always will be. What if when you're feeling so crappy about yourself, you go and hold your baby and think "I'm this baby's mother. They love me unconditionally. All they know about me is i am their mom, I am a source of comfort." I don't know maybe that will help? It's what I dream of all the time, holding something that precious knowing it's mine and at that moment loves me so much. Did this help? Sorry if not, but just remember you are never alone and there are many others out there like you battling the same thing for who knows what reason? I wish the best for you and your baby.

Erjay is wise and I think you should listen to her. She is totally right on when she tells ya you should like yourself- not everyone will like you- that will never happen- even if your the marchmallow cream puff man- just learn to be happy with yourself- thats gonna take some repeated talking to yourself that yeah! You are a good person! Plus |I think all mothers are coool people and I respect you. Peace my friend. BE HAPPY. its ok to be happy. And body shapes are only one small part of who we are. HA HA. Just ask any transexual! ha ha.