I'm Just a Bad Dream
Today started out to be an average day. I woke up, fed the baby, the horses, washed dishes, cleaned up a bit, did my "Cardio Salsa" work-out video. Then it happened. I looked in the mirror. At first what I saw wasn't "too bad". Then the more I looked the worse it got. Disgusting. My arms were HUGE. My stomache was hanging over my pants because the skin is still stretched from having the baby 2 months ago. I was completely nauseated by what I saw. I couldn't help thinking to myself "Maybe when I'm thin my live will be better somehow." But deep down inside I know nothing will change. I've been down this road before. When I was about 16 I went 2 weeks without eating, well eating very spiradically. I became very thin, boys started to notice me, everything I thought I wanted. But I hated the attention, completely dreaded it. I felt even more disgusting somehow. Like I couldn't live up to the person they assumed I was. My self confidence hit an all time low. I just didn't understand it. Everything in my life was supposed to miraculously get better. It didn't of course, and here I am today with the same issue. I should be older and wiser, why am I not past this? I still consider starving myself, sometimes when I think I've eaten too much I want to vomit so badly. How much longer can I keep this craziness at bay? I should be happy, I have so much to be thankful for. But then again maybe its not the weight. It's deeper than that. It's the self hatred I've been harboring against myself since my early teens. I hate myself. Why couldn't I have been smarter? Funnier? More charismatic? Why do I care so much of what others think of me? Why do I have to be so awkward and shy? Why do I feel like such a disappointment? I just wish with all my heart that one day I'd wake up and I wouldn't feel like this. I'd be so happy, I'd have tons of friends, be the life of every party, and just be so loved my everyone. And the person I am today, I wouldn't bother remembering her. I'd pretend like she was just a really bad dream..But how? How in the world will I ever change so drastically? Even if I give it everything I've got will I be able to? I really hope so because I don't want to spend the rest of my life being the wasted piece of space that I am today.