I'm Afraid Of Myself

It feels as if I don't serve a purpose here on earth. I just feel completly worthless. It's like I'm always standing on the sideline of life, trying to participate but I always end up failing. It freaks me out. I don't want to feel like this and I really don't get WHY I'm feeling like this.

I'm a straight A student. I have A in every subject, expect for four subjects and I have 17 subjects. Many people thinks that I'm beautiful and sometimes even I see it, but it's rare. Usually when I look into the mirror, all I see is a chubby girl with terrible hair, acne and a big nose.

But I'm such a failure. I have NEVER been at parties. On my weekends I'm sitting in my sofa watching movies or spending my time reading terrible stories here on EP. The last one just makes me feel less alone, you know. The knowledge of that people all around the world are in my position cheers me up.

And I've heard that people don't like me. Like, straight to my face. People that I've never ever spoken to. And I often lie, 'cuz I'm so terribly disappointed with my life. And I really hate lying. And I don't like people. It's weird, but I really don't.

I cannot understand them. I really do prefer being alone, but then I get so depressed..

The one person that I could talk to decided to leave my life, because things just didn't work out between us. We were friends but his girlfriend found out that we hung out and she banned him from seeing me and he loves her deeply so, he did what she told him to do. But I see him everyday, cuz we're in the same classes.

Anyway. I'm really really scared of myself. I was depressed last year. I just want to cause harm to my body. Cuz I don't measure up. **** this. Oh, just **** everything. I want to be NORMAL. Not a freaking maniac. Please, help?

elizahopkins elizahopkins
18-21, F
7 Responses Feb 20, 2010

i agree with dontkikthechair,you realy have to realize you are your own bestfriend,you cant depend on others to make you happy,volenteer someplace,help others,that will help you get your mind off yourself and make real friends who are not shallow,then you will feel worthy to be here on earth,people are always needing help,and this could help you.

If ur still looking for responses i would b happy to help. Understand that the parties and the sad little social bs in high school is just a phase in life. Those kids all have an A in the social world and its because of the cards they were dealt. But u are a thinker, just like me. And have already developed who u r as a person, which is looked down upon by those kids. But it is a gift. I understand u have acne and u dislike other personal characteristics about u: understand that it Is important to b comfortable in ur own skin! :) if acne doesn't go away it will eventually. And maybe u just try too hard to look like something ur not. I tried long emo hair, i tried jock hair, but in the end it is ur confidence that makes u beautiful.

First things first,<br />
<br />
Those 14 A's mean something, even if you don't think that at the moment. Your life is long, so ridiculously long that you won't know where half of it went in a few years. And those 14 A's will mean something down the line, very soon.<br />
<br />
See, high-school is hell for " different " people. It was for me, it will be for you. You talk about hurting yourself - don't do that, by the way, you'll regret it, trust me - I chose vandalism over it. I did a handful things that might have got other people killed. Then I tried drugs to be " normal ". Oh boy, that didn't turn out to be such a party. Try explaining to your parents where you've been all night long at four in the morning while you're vomiting into the bathtub. <br />
<br />
Not pretty, eh? Well, I'm in a pretty prestigious university right now, completing my master's degree. Got a handful of friends and all that jazz. But that being " normal " part? Nope, that didn't work out, I'm still the freak. Seriously, I've never ever known what it means to be " normal ", except when I was high as a kite and didn't know what the **** I was doing. <br />
<br />
But what happens as you get older is that you learn a simple thing... Nobody's normal, you learn that. Everybody has skeletons in their closets. And yeah, some are more social than the others, and some are more adaptable, more suitable... But some of those ever-happy jocks in the football team? They are gay. Some of your class-mates have parents who are alcoholics, some have been abused while they were a child ( God forbid, obviously. ), some ARE alcoholics... You get my gist. <br />
<br />
If you have a nice family that treats you with love, chances are you're one of the lucky ones. <br />
<br />
Look, those 14 A's? They're investment for your future, and they are more important than all the day-to-day bullshit your classmates are slinging. Nobody cares if you are the most popular girl in high school while being incessantly obtuse, you will end up as a ******** or a ****-star. If you keep up the good work, you will become someone, you will become greater than them. <br />
<br />
Do you have a goal in life? That counts. Are you doing things that are bringing you closer to it? That counts. Be focused, and all will be well. <br />
<br />
Also, keep everything in perspective. I know it's hard to do when you're younger, but keep this in mind; as you are reading this people are dying in Africa because of hunger. Children. Simply because they don't have anything to eat. You eat every night. People all over the world are afflicted by terminal diseases; cancer, Alzheimer's, AIDS. Some can't walk, some can't talk, some can't see. You are healthy. <br />
<br />
People are imprisoned and crushed under dictatorships. Right now, in this second, as you are reading this, there are people rotting in a cell with no windows. <br />
<br />
You are free.

I know exactly how you feel. I feel that way right now myself and I'm dying to get out of it. Seems like it takes ages to get out of too, doesn't it? I have major depression too and it is recurrent. I've tried everything to get rid of it. It comes and goes. <br />
I did learn something to think about when you are worried you might hurt yourself.<br />
Suicide is a permanent action to a temporary problem. <br />
Look back on your life. You've been through these times before and you got out of them. There is no reason that this won't happen again.

I have been there and from time to time go back. First what is normal? you sound like you have a lot going for you! You may just have an introverted personality. Look it up they have all sorts of info on how to deal....my older son is the same way. Everybody has a problem or two so you sound pretty "normal" <br />
<br />
If ya need to talk or vent drop me a line<br />
<br />
Take of u

I sympathize completely with you as I am exactly the same way. I've never measured up in anything in life and just wonder what my purpose of my life is, if there really IS a purpose. I wish I could give you some magical advice to avoid feeling this way, but as I still struggle with this to this day, all I can offer are my sympathies.

you are worthy. you need to believe that. sending lots of love your way x