I Feel Worthless
I never had many friends when I was a kid. I mainly played by myself and such. When I became a teenager, it was pretty much the same, only I had lost that childlike cuteness I used to have. I had been really alone as a younger teen, and I SERIOUSLY wish I had some friends or something. But, no one really liked me or thought much of me. It sounds cliche to say, "No one even sees me - I'm invisible", but when you go to shake peoples hands and they don't even know you're there, something's up. Anyway, so for most of my younger teen years, I just wanted to have some friends, someone who got me, and someone who thought I meant something. Well, sometime before I turned 17, I finally got my wish - I had a new girlfriend and a little girl. Man, I swear, it was great. We would talk for hours on end, I'd collect photos of the baby, etc. Well, my girlfriend didn't really have the greatest situation with her dad, a drunk, and her mom, a "former" drug addict. So, I had told her about plans I had to join the military to work with computers (not my dream job, as I'm a musician, but still enjoyable for me). I had said to her, "I'll do whatever I need to do as long as you will just let me take care of the baby and you". So, there it was. My plan was set. Well, then we started having issues.
She had began drinking heavily (with being drunk a week plus straight being considered heavy". She would drink, do drugs, etc. She would do this with the baby in the same room. Well, I didn't wanna leave her, of course - I was in love with the two of them. But, I guess she felt differently towards me. One day, she told me it was over and that she wanted to be with a "friend" of hers. She called me a loser, told me I couldn't give her what she deserved, etc. She would even talk about this guy to me as though we had never even been together. I begged her to give me another chance to make it work, but she said she didn't care anymore.
So, shes in a relationship with this guy, he gets to be father and boyfriend, and I'm back to meaning absolutely nothing. Im not saying that no one loves me and that if I dided, no one would care. It's just that, if I did, It wouldn't make a difference because I myself don't make a difference.
My sister and her husband are moving out of the house we stay in, my mothers getting engaged to will be leaving too. It's like, everyone is just going away, and I'm the only one here now.
Christmas 09 was terrible too. Mainly because I had begged to just talk to my girlfriends little girl, but she just told me that she would never even know I ever existed. And she meant it. I called on christmas over and over, e-mailed her, everything. But, I guess I was asking to much. I sometimes feel like I'm just losing it. I'll lie awake at night and just go over every single mental picture of our little girl in my head. And the thing that I ponder on is the fact that she probably doesn't even look the same anymore. Like, it's like a freezeframe in my mind, where she never gets any older. And, that's all I'll ever have of her. Idk. At least this new guy is probably a better father than I would have been anyway.
