Light & Darkness - Pt 5

In August of last year, KC died & A had to move out of his place. I took it very hard, as he was like a Dad to me. I neva knew A was his friend & we both know
lots of the same people. At the funeral, I wanted so much to hug & hold onto A. But couldn't. I'm not done with my relationship with J. Although no one knows him at work, some of the people A & I know outside of work, know about J. Not directly, thank goodness.
J couldn't understand why I felt so bad about KC & that I was always going to help his family. We got in alot of fights about this. Actually, I was going to see A because he had nowhere to live, except his parents couch.
He introduced me to them. His Mama loves me. Excpet I feel bad because I'm lying to her. She told me that A has never brough a woman to meet here except his X-wife. His parents were thrilled A had a woman in his life. I told them about Z & they want to meet him but haven't yet. She made me dinner for me in their humble home. It was a trip for me to see how he was living. This is his reality. And if I were to end up with this man, What would happen? Where would we live? I have lots of shoes, where would they go -- Stop!!!
I don't eva do the What if's? It's Not Like Me to think like that. I live in my reality, 4 bdrm house & walking into a store & not really thinking of how much I'm going to spend. If Z needs or even wants something, I buy or order it online. Simple. Not for A....Damn, Do I really want to pursue this?
Before KC passed away. He told me (I'm crying) I know you love him & he loves you. Becuz I see his face when we talk about you. And your eyes don't lie. He'll take care of you & your heart. Don't think about what your going to lose. Think about what your going to gain.
Damn I miss KC... He was a good man. It made me realize that his X-wife was a stupid Biotch for not wanting to care for him & leaving with another man just bcuz KC had an illness. She used him for whatever $ he had. He did everything for her & when he needed her she abandoned him. A took care of KC his last months. I neva knew that until recently. When he didn't call in or show up for work, I yelled at him & even wrote him up. A didn't tell me about KC being up all night getting sick. A spent lots of his $ on helping KC. Now it makes sense.
I told A that I'm sorry for putting up such a wall with him. That buying things makes up for me not being able to give myself to him totally. Not being able to be with him in the light as well as the dark. I want to be with him. I want to love him & take care of him if he'll let me. It was after KC's funeral that I heard those words for the first time, " I Love you Bebe" - A said
And then in November of 2012, A went to the Dr. & I just found out in December that he is sick.
Amories Amories
41-45, F
Jan 15, 2013