Residuals Of Him...

My story here today is a very small part of a very long story, but many of you will understand the way these things go... My problem is the residuals... I left my sociopath after five years. We've been apart almost two years now. I'm finding so many identity issues in myself now and finding it was him and it's taken me this long to see it.

We got together when I was sixteen, and from the very beginning he had me. I was so young and impressionable, and I look back to see how he so literally just molded me like clay. And in ways would actually tell me what he was doing, get me to deny it, it was so sick... I remember certain little things, how it was almost like a brainwashing I knew about and was totally okay with... He would make me feel so good, just to take it away and have me chasing him to get it, he played me like the simplest game of chess, and I revolved around him...

In a month he had me convinced he was my Prince Charming, the best man I'd ever met, he was perfect. He convinced me he loved me and so on, then took it back "I don't want to say it until I know it's true", then here I am doing everything in my power to get back that perfection we'd had... especially at sixteen, I was all fairy tales and happy endings, and nothing he did would keep me angry for long. Cheating, lying, and eventually stealing... we went through so much but that's for another time...

Now I find myself after being with him from 16 to 21, I'm who he molded me to be, I still find myself referencing so many things he'd taught me, things he'd drilled into me... And he was so much a part of me and my life and who I became, it's hard to shake him... we have a daughter that he doesn't see which oddly isn't what I consider my biggest ties to him since he's not involved with her. The little things... One that really bothers me when a guy tells me I've given him the best ******* of his life, he trained me, meticulously and step by step... It's HIS perfect head...so much of him is ingrained in me, down into some of the deepest parts of me... He always comes up, and he always plays a part, and his memory lingers... And as much as I never want to be together again, he could look in my eyes and make me cry, it took my daughter to make me strong enough to not go back... and somewhere deep down I didn't want to see, I lied to myself for him, I was so dedicated and devoted solely to him...

And even now I'm bitter and angry that I couldn't change him... because I can't accept that he is so devoid of any emotion... I see him work like an intelligent machine through people, through life, he plays parts and plays games, a master of his craft. But a part of me will always hold that perception that somewhere in there is the man I fell in love with, and my rational mind basically has to override what I feel for what I know to be true... The man I fell in love with never existed, a character created off the top of his head as went merrily stringing me along down the dark road we took... and I still can't pinpoint my emotions on the matter... It's a combination of pity, disgust at him and in myself, and emptiness that hurts, a feeling of loss for the non existent man, a void where he used to be that nothing fills, I still get angry, or reminiscent and sad... it's strange at the end I was rebelling, I hated it, I hated him and everything we had become, everything he chose to do, everything he chose over me and his daughter, I hated everything about everything except our daughter (she's awesome of course, the ray of sunshine for all the dark days he brought)

But somewhere underneath the anger, betrayel, broken trust, I almost miss the power he had... those days were simple... Everything revolved around him, I was motivated, and it was like this haze of ignorant bliss, anything to keep him happy, to be with him, to get his approval, I had no other worries... He made all the decisions for me... I have all this freedom and no desire to do anything with it. I sit at home now generally fighting depression, but it was like I thrived on the power play or something strange like that... even when it was at it's worst and I was depressed, I was always better in his arms... It's almost as if he was so much a part of me that he kept it when I left... and I'm here in life scrambling to pick up my scattered pieces, find the slates he wiped away of who I was before I met him. He really did create me, his little monster, and I feel as though I always will be in a way...

I will never return to my creator, but will continue to search for who I am without him guiding me. And I fight for myself, that little girl he took and rode until she broke. Try to erase the residuals he's left inside my mind... because that was the scariest part of it, he didn't just have my heart... no no the heart is easy to fool and easy to break. He had my mind, and when you have someone so completely in your palm that they ignore reason... Ignore themselves, their inner voice, that gut instinct, hell ignore blatant fact and evidence... they have you at level so deep it's impossible to imagine unless you've been there. You begin to rationalize for them when they don't even try to do it themselves anymore.They own you... He owned me completely... I lost myself... Ever searching, ever fighting, and longing for release...
SeekingUnknowns SeekingUnknowns
22-25, F
3 Responses Dec 8, 2012

You have nailed it. Those feelings. The way your mind betrays you. The world revolving around him. Thank you for your words ... They crystallized some of my feelings for me.

I agree it's hard when they rule yr head. My ex was Lyin to me and making me think I was goin insane. He destroyed me and I'm still trying to get somewhere near to the person I was before I met him.

I have been there (similar sitch in many ways, freaked me out to read your story). Well done for extracting yourself, I found leaving the hardest. Two years on and I feel like I am getting myself back. Go out as much as you can. I find the more things I experience on my own, the clearer my mind is on what is me, as opposed to what what I was conditioned to be. Take care xx