Terrible Idea

I'd had feelings for her for the longest time, probably since we were both about 16. I asked her out in high school, after about a year of keeping my feelings to myself, because many of my  friends made comments to me that she was totally interested in me. As it turned out, no she wasn't. It sucked being rejected, as it always does, but after a bit of time I managed to move on from it and remain good friends with her. However, I still retained feelings for her.

A year later, we went to different universities and had sporadic contact when I was back home during the summer. But we eventually reconnected and starting hanging out a lot more and ultimately became even better friends than when we were in high school. I did my best to suppress my feelings for her because she was dating my oldest friend at the time. I even felt guilty for caring for her because of this. The whole time though, I never let my emotions reach the point of loving her. I just couldn't let myself love someone if I didn't think that there was a chance they could love me back. Any way, a few more years pass, she keeps on dating the same guy despite growing increasingly apart from him and I go on as usual caring for her and she knows this but says we can never go out because it would be too hurtful for the then boyfriend as we were friends from the age of 8 years old, this being despite the fact that him and I had grown considerably apart and he was turning into a complete ******* toward her (and I as it later turns out- although I'm not without blame).

Flash forward another year or so, she's broken up with guy A after cheating on him with guy B, who was a best friend of mine in university but had since gone a little mental toward me and we were no longer the best of friends. Guy B actually cheated on her, she got back together with guy A again, only to break up with him and go back to guy B the following summer. Her and guy B live in different cities, so she refers to herself as 'technically single'. That summer her and I are spending a lot of time together and growing closer than ever when we hook up for the first time ever. We didn't have intercourse per se, but it still represented a bond of emotional and physical intimacy we had never felt before. A bit more happens that summer, but she continues to date guy B until about October, at which point I've gone off to law school. She then proceeds to get back with guy A in a futile move at maintaining normalcy in her daily life for reasons I won't go into.

I get back next summer, her and guy A are in an unstoppable spiral, and her and I spend even more time than ever together. We eventually start having an affair, which I only felt acceptable after we both said we loved each other, and to this day have kept the knowledge of it to ourselves successfully. It goes on for about 6 months, with me flying back from law school regularly after it re-started in the fall, but the whole time she told me that this was temporary and that we could still never go out. This despite guy A having shown himself to be the most manipulative, petty, self-centered ***** and she still doesn't want to cause him pain even though he continues to this day to attempt to harm her emotionally. She ends it around new years eve, when she meets a guy that she's been seeing to this day, and I have felt awful ever since.

I guess what bothers me the most about it, is that she told me she loved me, told me she had the most fun spending time with me (and still does to this day) but refused to date me. In my mind, that doesn't add up, and I can't help but think she lied to me when she told me she loved me. I've felt terrible for a year and a half now since it ended, not just because of this but this has been a major cause, and despite having been involved with other girls since it does nothing to fill the void. I still hang out with her and I often think that is part of the problem, too, because it just reminds me of how amazing I still think she is but it seems like I mean nothing to her. I often find myself doubting my self-worth, telling myself it's my fault for not being good enough for her. And any time I've tried to break ties with her in the hopes of moving on, she tells me how important I am to her and that she needs me in her life albeit as a friend, and that I'm just being selfish. I concede I was forewarned the whole time of our affair that she regarded it as temporary, but I went along with it believing that if the love was real that block could be overcome. Now, I'm just heartbroken and no matter what I do, I can't escape how I feel.
instinct12 instinct12
26-30, M
2 Responses May 28, 2010

dude you seriously need to get away from her. you need to find someone who loves you. stop talking to her. tell her your not being selfish, you need space. she has to understand that cuz unless you do, you'll never move on,

thats so touchin ,ive done a similar thing but might went sumwhere in the end.but this girl doest seem to know wot she wants.but i have learnt that if u dont show incrested in a person they wil *** to u soon enother x tiger81