The Feeling Was Always Mutual, But Something Unknown Always Stopped Us.

When I first looked upon her she was sitting on her own huddled on a low bench with her face in a book, she was quite and withdrawn and it was evident to me that she had gone through some form of trauma. People said she was strange but I thought she was an evil angel waiting to spread her wings, I wasn’t far from the truth. I was fascinated at the prospect of someone as messed up as I was in a Christian High School and I took it upon myself to get to know her, it was evident to me that I was more than just smitten from the very beginning. For this story my best friend shall be named Fiona.

As Fiona emerged out of her shell she was everything I had suspected, twisted, playful, caring, quick to smile, devilish yet could pull off the “It wasn’t me” look that just made me melt. We were fast friends and we were soon spending as much time as we could around each other. We would talk for hours about everything, our passion for music, art and horror, as well as our hatred of people in general – society – religion – laws – parents, everything. But of course our favourite thing to do at that time was to play mind games with teachers and fellow students.

It didn’t take her long to realise that I was interested in being more then friends, but Fiona was an evil girl and teased me on a regular basis. I remember this one time when we were caught by our English teacher as evil Fiona was touching me in all of the right places under the desk as we sat front and centre in the classroom. I got the feeling that more than just the teacher was watching from the looks we got from fellow class mates. So there we were with ear to ear smiles on our red faces as we left that class with my books strategically positioned as not to show the bulge. Despite the obvious sexual tension between us whenever either of us attempted to express our emotions to one another we realised that there was a damn good chance that things wouldn’t work out, so in the end we just remained very good friends. Now I have to say that we have never had sex, we have played and we have lain in bed holding each other in silence just enjoying each other’s company, but we never have gone any further than that, despite what many others thought.

After High School we still hanging out together for quite a few years, we even moved in with each other for a short time after I stopped drug dealing. During that period we learnt all of our bad habits, Fiona learnt how often I still used drugs and alcohol and would mother me by saying I should quit and not spend so much time on the computer etc. We knew for the sake of our friendship we had to have our own space, so I moved to the apartment a few doors down.

Now I could type up so much more, we have a long history together, over a decade now, but for the sake of not boring you dear reader I’ll jump ahead in time. Due to circumstances and several events we drifted apart and lost contact for a few years, however we found each other again via the internet and soon arranged to meet. Any animosity or guilt we felt was simply forgotten when we first hugged one another after all those years.

Not much has changed between us, we still flirt with each other trying to outdo the other in attempting to get a reaction. We are no longer physical in any way other then hugs as Fiona is very happy with her boyfriend for whom I am envious, yet I would never do anything that could lead to her unhappiness. We still talk about any and everything, indeed she is the only person I feel comfortable talking to in a face to face context, she is the only person I feel comfortable crying in front of. She means so much to me and in many ways I do still love her and she knows this, yet she has admitted this to me too. It is a complex friendship that has always walked on the line but I think that’s the way we like it. She tells me that I bring out the evil inside of her, I tell her she brings out the best in me. We are an odd pair Fiona and I, but I hope the oddness lasts for a very long time.