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I Didn't Mean To.

I started working at my current job about 10 months ago. I didn't really know anyone there, but I just started so it was nice to get to know all of the people there. After a couple of months, i started to hang out with my friend now, who she and i were awesome friends. We would always have a blast when we were together. It wasn't until my boss started coming over and hanging with us that we became even closer and it was more of a three way best friend kind of thing.

Well, later did i find out that, the two of them had been hooking up for a while now and they really liked each other. But the thing is, she had a fiance, and my boss was almost 30 years older than her and I. I didn't know what to think at first, but i let it play on and just kind of sat back and watched it escalade.

Well, one night, we all got very intoxicated and my boss and I ended up hooking up. We liked it so much, that we kept doing it. We were best friends, we meant the world to each other, why not do it was our thinking. Well this lasted for about 6 months or so, and then things started to get a little crazy. My boss, found a girl he really wanted to pursue, but he was keeping it from both of us, because he didn't want to hurt us. (BTW: My friend, didn't know that my boss and i hooked up). So, we both were kind of startled when he said that he didn't want to do anything with us anymore, because he met a girl and he really wanted to pursue her. I was ok with it, because we were only friends and we were just doing things to pass the time, but my friend got pissed. She went crazy, and wanted to get back at him for hurting her.

Her plan failed, and his girlfriend ended up telling her fiance what was going on, and he gave her an ultimatum of it's either him or me. She chose her fiance, and cut off ties not only with my boss, but me as well. She couldn't see me without seeing him. So. As i sit here, i feel so happy that he is in a relationship and he is so in love after not too long, but i can't stop crying.

I have realized that I think that what was supposed to be a simple friends with benefits thing, turned into a i love you kind of thing for me. And it hurts because i know he doesn't feel the same, and if i were to just pick up and leave, I don't think that it would even phase him, and it hurts me so bad to feel this way. I mean he is an awesome friend, don't get me wrong, but I led myself to believe more than he was willing to give me, and that's where i steered myself wrong. I wish i could take it all back, but at the same time i don't.

It's just really hard to see him at work everyday, and it hurts, but i never let it show. I am great friends with his new girlfriend, we talk a lot, but it's hard to have him talk about her, because i want that to be me. I wish that it could have been me, but it can't, and it will never be. But in my head, i think i convinced myself into something that was completely wrong.

I fell in love.
And it sucks.
I just cant' stop crying. :(
melphotobel melphotobel 18-21 Apr 15, 2011

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