I Miss Him So Much, But I Want To Forget He Ever Existed.

Where to begin...

Well, when I was 12 years old I moved to a small private, 6-12 school. There, I became friends with a guy who was a junior, and was 16 at the time. It was never really romantic at all, we were just good friends and it was nice to have someone older to look up to since I'm the oldest of 4 siblings, and had always wanted an older brother or sister or someone that I could at least talk to about stuff that I couldn't talk to others about.

A little while later I'm 14 and he's 18, we're still pretty good friends. He's graduating from high school that year, and I'm graduating middle school. At this point, I've sort of started to get a little crush on him. It wasn't much and I never wanted to pursue it, but I thought he was gorgeous and funny and smart, and everything I wanted in a guy. I never really thought of it anything too serious though, even though I hadn't really felt this way about other crushes in the past. While technically it would have been legal for us to be together, it still wouldn't have been socially acceptable and even though he always told me I was cute and pretty and funny, it was always like he thought of me as a little sister. But I didn't really mind that.

After he graduated, I thought I would never see him ever again. He was moving to the other side of the country for college after summer, so we hugged and we said our goodbyes and all that jazz.

All during that day, I just felt miserable about it. About how much I was going to miss him. I kept on thinking that I was seeing him whenever I saw someone who just happened to have the same color hoodie as he had, or the same height or whatever. I kept on hoping to see him again. The entire day, I was close to tears.

That night, I was walking down the street with my dad and little brother, and they stopped to watch some street performers. I went over to a bench (it was one of those circle benches that go all around.) When I sat down, I looked around at the person sitting on the other side of it, and it was him! I almost couldn't believe it, but I felt so happy that what I thought would never happen actually happened. We talked a bit and I was trying to hide just how happy I was.

Over that entire summer, I was still pretty torn up over my feelings about him. I kept on fantasizing about how I'd go to the same college as he was once I turned 18, and then I'd be able to confess my love for him and the feeling would be mutual and stupid **** like that. I couldn't even imagine meeting someone else within that time period.

And every time that I thought I was getting over it, or if I thought about how much I wanted to see him again, there he'd be. I'd see him on the street or on the bus or in a coffee shop, and even if it made my entire day better and make me skip everywhere for the next few hours, I'd still tear me to pieces later on. I cried every night for awhile thinking of it, trying to figure out what to do about the situation.

A year after all of this, I'm still crying about him. I miss him so much, and even though I know a romantic relationship isn't possible, I just want to have more of the friendship that we had before. At this point, I've tried to avoid thinking about him as much as possible because it just makes me want to cry. I don't like seeing his posts on facebook and I try to not engage him in conversation on there unless he wants to talk.

I just want to forget that he ever existed. I know I'm young and I think it's stupid to have these sort of feelings when I'm 15, and I want to say that it's hormones but I feel like it's something more, just because it's so strong and I still haven't gotten over it. Most of my friends get over their crushes after a few weeks or months. I don't believe in heartbreak, but if I did this is what I think it'd feel like.
RococoRadio RococoRadio
13-15, F
1 Response May 4, 2012

Have you ever discussed your feelings with him? if not you need to, don't let this go because one day you will regret it. Good friends are hard to come by, so talk and get things out in the open. Only three short years and you'll be an adult.