I Lost The Love Of My Life

When I was sixteen years old I met an interesting guy. We were both pretty shy and in a bad place in our lives. Having a rough childhood made us stronger but also found ourselves getting into trouble. Usually we would hang out in my driveway or various dark places to drink and just talk. One night I was supposed to go to a party and I invited my best friend to come along, he canceled at the last minute. This night turned out to be the worst night of my life. I was drinking pretty heavily and was raped by someone I had just met. I told my best friend the next day and he was pretty speechless. This put a little distance between us and I had no idea at the time why. We still hung out but not as much. Not sure about the time that past in between this and the next time we crossed paths, but I ended up dating one of his friends (had no idea). He came around and it was so awkward because I loved him and he had no clue. One day he called me and told me to meet up with him because he was leaving. He gave me a hug and quickly left, I had no time to process this..... I just stood there and cried.
Many many years have past, but still thought about him often. I knew where he moved but had no phone or address.
Now with all the social media sites It was pretty easy for me to find him. First it was myspace.....I saw a picture and knew right away it was him. I just sat in front of the computer in total shock. I just contacted him, not sure if he would remember me. My heart was beating so fast just waiting to hear from him. And yes I was married with children and already thinking about divorce. I was completely miserable! He contacted me and couldn't believe it, he said, " I never thought I would hear from you again!" We didn't talk on the phone at first just emailing on myspace back and forth. He had some family issues at the time and we lost contact again for a little less than a year ( I think ). I emailed him on myspace and told him I was deleting my account and to find me on facebook. It took a little time, but he did. I was so relieved because I thought I lost him again. We conversed online and finally I told him to call me, I had enough of typing and just wanted to hear his voice. We talked all the time, during the day and late at night. He was such a good listener, I never forgot what a terrific friend he was. He kept saying little things like, "If you only knew?" This was weighing heavily on my mind. What was he trying to tell me? One day I asked him why we never went out. He answered because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. But one evening he told me that was lie, it was because he was chicken **** to say anything. I just laughed because I felt the same, this is what he meant by If you only knew! After this moment I wanted more and knew that I had to say something to my husband. I told him that I wanted a divorce. I leaned on my best friend even more and he was always there for me. My heart was so full of love and hope that one day I would see my best friend again. I grew so impatient but I tried to be calm and understanding, it has been about 17 years since we last saw each other. His job kept him so busy and all over the U.S. that it made it impossible for him to come visit. He definitely made me feel loved and secure, he already owned by heart.
I went to visit my family one weekend and received a text message around 1 am in the morning, it was my best friend. He had been in a horrible accident, I cried so much it hurt. I heard his voice and knew that he was not alright. He didn't go to the hospital, he thought he would be fine. The next day he sounded worse and I wished that I could be with him. I felt so bad that he was alone, I wanted to take care of him and made sure that he was okay. That was the last time I heard his voice. I called and called, sent numerous text messages but nothing! I think it was 5 days later when I saw on facebook that he checked in to a hospital for tests. This made me furious! Why would he not call or text? I was also going through some difficult times with my ex and our divorce. I had to come up with a plan to get back to South Florida otherwise I would of been stuck in North Florida. I wanted to be around my family and friends, not in a strange lonely place with no one to support me. My children were the only ones that kept me going, I was in a horrible place! I needed my best friend and I know he needed me. Valentine's Day came and I received three deliveries from my best friend. I had a huge smile on my face all day! I texted him to tell him how wonderful he is and of course to thank him. But he never called, just texts. I was so happy that he was still thinking of me but I was still sad! He told me that he had a bad concussion and that his brain chemistry was off. I still didn't understand, he said that he wasn't the same anymore and that he didn't care about anyone but his family. I never cried so much in my life! I also made things worse by sleeping with my ex husband and getting pregnant! I terminated the pregnancy and tried to move forward with my life. Over the next several months we texted on and off. Some of the texts from me were angry and pissed off, I still didn't understand.
In the past 16 months since his accident he has never texted me, he would reply to my texts but never initiated them. He said went he got better that he would come see me, but that hasn't happened. He said that he would call me, but when? It's been eighteen years now since I've seen him and sixteen long months since I've heard his voice. I have moved on but my heart still hurts, I love him and always will. I feel like it was all a dream with a horrible ending.
jennladams29 jennladams29
36-40, F
May 10, 2012