Worth a Try.
Really, I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe it's because I really have no one else to talk to about it. I guess resorting to random people isn't really a good idea, but hey, it's worth a try.
I've been friends with her for about three years now. We've gotten to know each other really well, and obviously we became best friends. We connected like most best friends do. In the beginning I wasn't too attracted to her. I thought she was cute, but wasn't someone who I would go after. Plus, I was coming off from a relationship, so rebounding wasn't really my thing. We started talking on AIM about random things, getting to know each other. Seeing each other in school, this was sophomore year. We finally got to talking on the phone, and our first conversation lasted until 4 AM. That was really the mark of us becoming best friends. Laughing, talking, being dorks; how best friends act with each other. We started talking about relationships one night, and she told me that she liked being single, she liked flirting. As friends, yeah we flirted a lot, but I never thought anything of it. In time she started to turn into something like a sister.
One night she told me that she started to grow feelings for me, and I told her that I didn't have anything back. We were just friends. She accepted it, but I guess I was too stubborn to see that I was growing feelings for her too, I just didn't realize it. As time went on, she'd talk about other guys and I would grow jealous. I didn't understand why until it hit me that I did have feelings for her. Junior year was my time to realize it. We talked about it, and decided that the friendship was too important to risk. We both accepted that, understood that.
Senior year came around, and my feelings kept growing stronger. April came by, and it all broke out. I spilled everything. I told her my feelings were way too strong to just keep it at bay. People already thought we were dating when they saw us together. I t was like we were unofficially dating, but just best friends. It was complicated.
She told me she wasn't ready for such a committed relationship, and I understood that. We're only eighteen. Our whole lives are ahead of us. I told her I would wait, wait until she was ready for something like this. During this course, I did fall for her. And I really felt like I was pressuring her each time to be ready. This whole thing has gotten in the way of our friendship. I know that if anything happened I'd always want us to be best friends. That's really what's important to me, but every time I see her.. it's breathtaking.
Though now, everything is pretty much shattered. Someone has come back in her life. Someone who she has had history with. They've had feelings for each other since the seventh grade, but they didn't do anything about it. They stopped talking for sophomore and junior year, and automatically comes back senior year. The feelings returned for him, and it kind of hurts. I feel like since they're talking now and hanging out, I'm just the best friend now. There's no more, when I'm ready I'll tell you, it's just best friends now. I've let myself over think everything way too much, and I've let it get in the way of our friendship. I want her to be happy, but is it selfish that I want to be the one to make her happy?
With the other guy, it would be care-free, with me it would be intense and serious. A girl this age wants something care-free. She has strong feelings for him, but she doesn't want to tell him. He's held her hand, kissed her on the cheek.. but yet she's too naive to see that he just might have feelings for her. He's invited her to go to the beach with him sometime this summer. It just hurts to know that I'm pushed to the side now. I'm not going to be the jackass that tells her to choose, but I wish I would know the answer.
Her mom and I are pretty close as well. We talk a lot, and she knows right away when something is wrong with me. I should focus on just being friends, but it hurts. I can't bring it up with her anymore because it would lead to an argument, crying, and I'm already pushing her away because of it.
I still want to wait for her, I love her. I just don't know if she wants me to, if she even thinks of me in that way anymore. She told me she was falling in love with me, but now I don' know anymore. It's all just so confusing and I'm always thinking about it, about her. I don't know what to do anymore..