Too Much For Me To Handle

I have heard about heart brake, have seen it happening around me. I have been with guys before and have gone through break ups, yet what I have felt back then never even came close to what I feel today.
I am in pain; my heart has been ripped out and stacked to a wall. Before, when something hurt I usually went numb within hours and went on with my days – laughing and simply playing ignorance. However it does not work like that this time. The pain just keeps on; there are needles in my chest that pierce me to my very soul. They make it so hard to breath and rob me of all my strength. I am gasping for breath, yet my lungs would rather stay still. My heartbeat penetrates my every muscle, with every ‘thud’ it screams in agony.
Release!!! That’s what every fiber of my being yearns for . . . but he is my release . . . and I can’t have him.
Keep on, day by day, is what I think and everyone tells me. Yet every second of the day I think about him – I just can’t stop myself. There are random moments where it feels as though the pain went away, but they only last seconds and make it so much harder when the pain returns.
Trying to go on with my life is draining me rapidly. I am so exhausted; I rather just sleep all day.
Why does it have to hurt? Why can’t I just forget him? Accept his decision and go on as if nothing happened? Think about it as a happy memory and go on with my life?
They say people always want what they can’t have. I had him, even if only for a short time, so I should just be grateful and go on. But now I know what it is like to be with him and now my life just feels to big and empty.
I don’t want to think that he is okay with all of this. That he is carrying on with his life as though nothing happened. Cause if that were so I think I would rather kill myself then go on living, knowing that I didn’t mean a thing to him. He says he wants me in his life because I am his best friend; but I want to be so much more!!!
He has to miss me right? He has to be thinking about me!! Please tell me he does – tell me he is feeling the pain too. I’m not asking it to equal mine, but just the slightest bit will suffice.
Does it make me a bad person to be asking this? I don’t mean it in an evil way, I just need to feel the relief that I do mean something to him a bit deeper then just friends.
Please, anyone, tell me I am not crazy, that it is normal to be thinking and feeling this way.
bakkaonna bakkaonna
26-30, F
3 Responses Nov 15, 2012

Best way to find out how he feels is to date someone else, let him know about it and see his reaction? ... quickest way of finding out just how much he feels for you? And if you don't want to do this, then I'd say you are crazy LOL, just pulling your leg. But just try this and see how it goes?

That is how i was about a year ago with my Jeremy my bestfriend except it broke me so much that i literally ended up in the hospital my body went into a fight or flight mode and i kept blacking out Jeremy found me on the ground passed out i was 16..... it broke me he still wanted me as his bestfriend but that was it.... its been about a year since this happend and in that time weve fixed things me and Jeremy are happy together in love sweetie you can make it threw it if i can you can things will get better if you need to talk to someone im here

I feel the same way so either we are both normal or we are both crazy.