I Will Regret It For The Rest Of My Life

Why did i fall in love with her? It's lead me to nothing but pain and suffering, because of how good we were together. We were virtually inseparable, but i hid alot of who i was from her. I don't love the way my family, friends or her would want me too. I'm not close to people, not out of choice, but simply because i like being alone, i always have. the way she wanted me, it was a way in which i wanted her too, but i liked her as a friend more, i liked all the talking and laughing and crying and hugging, it was nice for me to be her friend, to help her out in her bad situations. Thats the kind of friendship i never had. Growing up i never had friends, still have none to this day, but she was my bestfriend, my soul-mate and truly the first one i've ever had feelings for. I dont know what to think anymore about who i am and what i believe. I question that love exists, as primitive as we are. We are all like molecules in a solution, looking for something to bond with and make more of. Love is just a catalyst, making the reaction faster. It felt so good to finally connect with someone, to laugh and share as i never had. But was it really right? I should have known that no matter what i do, i will always be apart from her, it doesnt make her happy, so whats the point. Aristotle once said that happiness is the whole aim and end to life, the something something of human existence. If that is so, then who am i to stand in the way? I am useless, loving wise. I cannot seem to connect with someone as i would like to, because eventually i would rather drift off and do something that i find fun, like science. Is that wrong that i keep to my passion so tightly? This is what drove her away. Questioning, thinking, it wasnt in her nature, not as she went through life. She feared the future where as i found it bright and wonderous and full of possibilities. She says i can find others, but i can't forget about her. Every day, every single day since we broke up i find myself waking up and going to sleep with her on my mind. My house is filled with memories, good and bad. How can i find someone like her, someone so wonderous and funny and cute and...everything i've ever wanted? If one can love someone else as much as they loved their first love, did they truly love her at all? My feeling is that this is it for my love life, i've had enough. For 5 years, she was all i could think about. To this day, shes still all i think about . Other than her, i've never been out on a single date, never talked to a woman flirtatiously or ever tried for a girl. I never went to dances at school, prom or ball. I dont even have a friend, i dont know how to interact. I feel like nothing without her, she was the center to my entire life. I had planned everything with her, done everything with her, helped her out with everything asking nothing in return. Her love was much like a mothers love, warm and sweet. When she held me against her breasts i felt so warm and loved and i miss that. I think to myself why bother with dating again, because everyone else looks at me with hatred and anguish. Its been this way since childhood. All i wanted was love, its what i gave day in and out, but all i got in return was coldness and hatred. She was the first to ever love me, she said before she left that she still loves me. I dont want anyone else but her, i'd rather die alone before dating someone else, replacing all my sweet memories with these new ones. I can't...it wouldnt be the same. How can i replace her. I can remember everything about her as if she were family, the way her nose wrinkled when she laughed, the way her eyes get big when she wants something, the way her eyes smiled and her teeth glistened, the way she kisses and the way she eats, sits and drinks. She was quirky, bright, warm and sweet. I realize that their are billions out there like her, there's a match out there for everyone 20 times over, but i dont want it, i can't let go. This is that feeling i got when she moved away to Wake forest, NC. I couldnt stop thinking of her. Even though i tried dating, it just wasnt for me. I wanted her at heart and nothing more. When i dated jenny, whom i dont count as a girlfriend, i kissed her and felt nothing. In fact, the first thing that came to mind was her. How do i know or not know that the next wont yield the same results. I remember it all so clearly, all i thought of was her. Now that im not with her and there are no chances of getting her back, what now? Im at a loss, i feel like i have nothing. She said to me that i was too above her, too smart and too distant. I worked alot and i still do, i had always known this. I had always known that i loved what i couldnt have. I knew i couldnt have her but still out of selfish reason i took her into my arms and gave her the world. All my promises, i even told her that i would marry her, over and over i would say this. We had everything planned out, right to our deaths. All of it is gone now, the only things left being the CD of our pictures together, love notes, her pillow, her stuffed animals she left to my name, and the one thing i will never forget, the permanent scar on my right buttcheek from that stupid sword fight we got into. I hated that day, there was so much blood, but she took care of me and cried over me. I fell for her even more because i finally felt that there was someone i could depend on. I always told her that no matter what i would always love her. I still lover her as i've made it obvious. No one can replace her. I will never feel the same way about anyone as i felt her. We shared everything together, new years, christmas, birthdays ( we were born in the same month, the same week, concieved nearly the same day). When you share you're very life with someone like that, when something like that happens and you two meet, you are truly meant for one another, something i realized but somehow i still lost her. We were so compatible, we were nearly the same, but so different in many ways. She loved art, and i loved science. She wanted to take her art to the highest of places, and the same goes for me, i wanted and still want to see this world and the people in it exploring other galaxies and other planets. This is also what drove us apart, our passions in life. I work hard, i want to get into M.I.T one day so i can make this dream a reality for all, she wanted to be apart but with the work load i get, i could never spend the time i wanted with her. This was hard for me to accept, and it still is. Wanting something i could never have in the first place. If throughout my life time as a teenager i couldnt have a girl love me for me, only her, what chance do i have if i tried now. For so long i've been disconnected from society, to be thrown back in is impossible. I feel as though im done now and forever. I will forever love nicole as i loved her in the past and as i do now. For me to get over this would be telling myself a lie.
loverOfScience loverOfScience
18-21, M
1 Response Jan 5, 2013

This is absolutely heartbreaking to read. I can relate on many aspects, but I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are enduring.

Time is a great healer, the problem with time is that when you re on your own it passes slowly. There's a ballad where I live that says "your first love stays with you forever". Truer words were never said.

Keep your head up, try to see a silver lining because there always is one.

Take it easy YoungPeePee

My silver lining would be the work that i do in school and at home. When i'm doing that, all other thoughts disappear. I got the fleshlight, so after i have sex with it, i can work twice as hard. I notice after i have sex, i don't feel as though i need it, so i can focus better.