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So Close Yet So Far (or The Other Way Around?)

I'm head over heels for my best friend.

We met in 7th grade, at a field trip. From the beginning, we always had one of those tender friendships that you see a lot with people of opposite genders. I had a bit of interest in her but I forgot about it and we became pretty close. Despite our closeness, we've only been able to see each other 3 times in person because she lives over an hour away. After a year or two, we drifted apart because things just got busy.

Early this school year, after months of relatively sparse interaction, she asked me to her school's dance. I obviously said yes. She even gave me a ride and paid for everything. Over the time leading up to the dance, we talked a lot and got close and there was even some subtle flirting. It was my first dance so I was really awkward and she seemed kind of disappointed by the end of the night. I apologized profusely and she said it was really OK and that she was happy to see me again. During and after that night, I realized just how much I liked her.

Despite the dance being a wasted night, we got even closer afterwards. She told me some of the nicest things I've ever heard like that I'm an amazing guy, she can tell me anything, etc, etc. There was also some more occasional flirting. About a month after the dance, we were talking about dating and she very timidly told me she likes me. I was so taken aback, but I didn't hesitate to tell her how I felt. It was clear that she really liked me, but she said it was so awkward and confusing. She also said that she wanted to wait, but it wasn't clear if she meant she just wanted to take it slow or if she wanted to wait for years. Over the next couple of weeks, it seemed more like she wanted to wait until we were older and had better ways to see each other.

I asked her if this meant she would date other people in the mean time and she said there's no one else but she needs companionship so someone may come along. She encouraged me to find someone else too. Everything she was saying seemed so confusing because she was still being so loving to me like she was before. She asks me about my day, tells me what's new with her, gave me a pet name, says good morning and good night most days and she told me she doesn't do that with most of her friends. I don't know why she keeps treating me like more than a friend but then refuses to be more than that. And she's not insensitive, she was a mess because she was so sad about hurting me.

But things have gotten worse in recent weeks. She still talks to me every day and is fairly affectionate, but she's stopped saying stuff like she misses me and that I mean a lot to her. I think its because she's afraid of me bringing up how I feel about her again because she always changes the subject when I do.

I get that she needs to be able to see her boyfriend and that she doesn't want to lose me if something goes wrong because of the distance. But I've been researching non stop and I think I'll actually be able to visit her fairly often, and even more if she and her mom are willing to put in some effort. Now that I've actually got some viable ways to see her, I really want to go down there and ask her out officially in person. The problem is now I'm nervous about how I should ask to come visit her and if she will say no when I ask her to be mine.

I have really fallen for her. We don't have that many hobbies in common because I'm both nerdy and athletic while she's into music and somewhat "girly" stuff but I like that because we're always learning from each other. Despite the more superficial differences, we have similar core beliefs. We just click. I'm a bit of a macho **** sometimes and a harsh realist but she brings out the puppy underneath. She makes me forget about all the things that annoy me and lets me enjoy just being an infatuated teenager. She's beautiful, intelligent, and most importantly caring.

It feels like I'm so close to having a relationship with the girl that means everything to me. I can't give up now. I don't know what I'll do without her.

Thanks for reading. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
InTheDirt InTheDirt 16-17, M Jan 21, 2013

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