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"15 Years" Of Secretly Loving My Bestfriend...

I happened to watch the movie LOL by Miley Cyrus and Douglas Booth then I suddenly missed my high school days. It was so much like what I had way back then. Those times when I had so much time spent on having crushes with our Varsity player, Hiphop dancer, our Mr. Campus and even our student teacher. But all those are just superficial feelings and it does fade away. But not with the way I felt 15 years ago for my best friend.
I was hoping and praying that what I felt for this person would change too. I did hope that things would turn out MY WAY and I'd be happy, I guess. I am the living proof that first love never dies. I know people would say I am stupid not to understand the situation that he is not meant for me. I know people would say "let go" there are so many fish in the ocean, people would think I am desperate. If there was a cure for the kind of love that I have for him, I would definitely buy "tons and tons" of it. Sometimes it hurts to wait and hope for something that you don't really know if it'll happen or not.
I can say I have mastered my emotions when it comes to loving him. I know my limitations and I know where to stand, always... I trained myself to keep my feelings towards him, since I don't want to lose him even if we'll remained friends forever! It's better we're the best of friends rather than losing our friendship,since It happened once before and it wasn't a good experience.
After 15 years, I can say I am still secretly In love with my best friend. He is married and I am engaged too. I love my fiancee and he is more than enough for me. But I don't know and I can't explain this kind of happiness and completeness when I am with him. I can totally be crazy and be myself. It's like he is my peace of mind and he just fill every empty spot in my life.
I think we both tried to be more than friends long ago but didn't pushed thru because I don't want to fight and break up and lose our friendship. He is one person that can stay beside me wide awake when I needed someone to talk to, he spares time from work and bring me to places that I've never been, he just remembers all my favorite food even my favorite song to sing. He is the only person who knew about my most kept secret fear and he just laughs at it...
As of now, there are still some hopeful moments that I would want him to be more than just my best friend, BUT...
It really is complicated to love my best friend specially when he told me that... "If I were your husband, your mom and dad would be very happy, contented and at peace."

Are there people out there who shares the same experience with me? Or am I the only one in the world who has been loving her best friend for 15 years???



sarahgibson sarahgibson 31-35, F 3 Responses Jan 29, 2013

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You are definitely not alone. Mine started about 12years ago. We met at a party through mutual friends when we were about 17-18(we are now 30). We use to take turns picking each other up at 2am in the morning and we would just drive until 4-5am in the morning. Just talking, listening to music and having fun. He was always the kind of guy who always had a girl. He might've gone a week inbetween each one. I was more selective on guys i was with and more time off inbetween each guy. When we were 21-22 he got married and had a child. But i knew the marriage wouldn't last. He said he loved her, and i believed him cause he was my best friend. People couldn't figure out why it wasn't him and I getting married. And some people around town blame me for their divorce which is ludacruis. Only once when we were 18 on the early morning drives did we decide to kiss. It was short but sweet and i felt as though he was the first one to pull away when years later i come to find out he thought i was the one to pull away first!(ugh). Shortly after he got married i met a guy who i would end up spending the next 7.5 yrs together up until 2months ago. Since my relationship started with this guy, my best friend got divorced about 2.5 yrs into his marriage and really hasn't dated anyone since. My best friend and i even established at one time many years ago that we were best friends. We went to the gym together, went dancing at clubs together(sometimes close dancing which would throw me in a whirlwind!) drives together, whenever we asked each other to do something for each other we were there for each other. Even through his marriage and my relationship and the times my relationship had broken up and gotten back together. Over the years i have faught up and down with my feelings for him. Many times having to try and reject them thinking he wasn't interested in me, to points where i just can't help my feelings and it overwhelms me. We haven't kissed since that one time when were 18. And we're 30. We're both single now and all i want to do is grab him and kiss him but i'm afraid i'd lose his friendship. I was at his house last night playing poker and ping pong and it was the first time i had really seen him in months because he thought my ex didn't want him and i to hang out. Which wasn't true. But everything just rushed right back to me like i was 18 all over again. And i'm still not sure if he is into me or not. I'm drove crazy with it. 12years of this struggle, it has to stop at some point right?

I can't say he's my best friend. He used to be my favorite person on the planet, but it's been almost 10 years, and he moved away last year. He also has a girlfriend, and they are quite committed. I still love him, I think everyday that there might be some way I can hunt him down and just be near him, be around him at least....even if we can't be "together". I miss him so much, and I miss the way things were. He was my first true love, and it's a very strong love. I never got a chance to tell him, that I've secretly loved him for so long. I can't move on, I don't want to, though I've tried. I can't give up on him. I have a great boyfriend, but there's no way I can feel the same about him. The connection I feel for my true love....it's as if we are meant for one another. He saved me, taught me so much. I need to see his smile. I don't know what to do....especially if he marries her. I wait. I just wait for a chance for things to work out, while planning to maybe go and find him. I am very tired of waiting...

Would 4 years count ?

Like, well donno if I truly loved her, at least it was not attraction, but then, She was my best frnd, when she broke up, she wud cry for hours with me. I wanted to give her what her first love didnt. So I made her my first choice in my life. I waited 4 years hoping she realises that I truly loved her ...; I mean isnt frndship the purest love, I wanted to love her for her happiness. She decided to forget me, n started to hate me :(. Guess am not meant for her, but sure I will wait ( I kno she wont come ), but I cant chose any one else either.

I feel you... :(
Ff only i can teach my heart not to love him anymore and just be friends, will surely do. Hearts never lie indeed...