I Guess It Just Didn't Pan Out...

I was there for him through everything. We met six years ago, and I remember everything in the world happened to make me late to rehearsal that night, which didn't make sense, because as first chair soloist violin, I was never late. That night I was, so I took the only available seat next to this long haired, skinny mess who was looking down so this mop of blondish brown strands completely covered his face. About halfway into rehearsal, I was completey drawn in by how much he kept to himself, and decided to speak to him. I looked over and muttered my first words: " Its 7:30 on a thursday night, I should be at home drunken off of cheese products...". Lame, I know, but I was 14 and surprisingly, this was all it took because we never stopped talking the whole night, and haven't parted ways since. He's told me since then, that he doesn't know why he responded, seeing as how he was such an outcast that he'd begun to embrace it, and TRY to cut off any contact with people. I guess we met against all odds. We still remember, and use all the stupid inside jokes we've come up with from that night to this one, and people have always sworn we're speaking a different language. Sometimes, we blurt out the exact same thing at the same time, and we understand eachother so much I sometimes find myself explaining HIM to HIM, and vice versa. I started realizing my feelings for him about a year in, when his girlfriend (who he had only met a month before me, and he has since told me that if he'd met me first, we'd be on our way to marriage...) kissed another guy. I couldn't stand to see him hurt, and did everything in my limited power to make it better. They worked it out, and stayed together for two more years, until she eventually left him. ( it was long distance, never would have worked) And I never left him alone for a second that he needed me, but never made a move while he was vulnerable, because he wasn't over her, and wouldn't be until just recently. Six months later he was with a ***** from H*LL (we'll call her K.C.) who literally ambushed him and told him he was her boyfriend. I went into a relationship around this time too (my first), not wanting to wait around and be pathetic. K.c. proceeded to cheat on him six times with six different guys, pull him back in every time they broke up, and even worse, deliberately DRIVE A WEDGE IN BETWEEN US! I hated her, and was miserable. I broke it off with my guy a year and a half later, because we weren't working out( my heart was with my bestie) And then my best friend broke it off with whats-her-face, and for the first time since i started dating, we were both single. All of our mutual friends started pushing for something to happen, and shortly after my highschool graduation, his roomate threw us both in a room and locked us in, saying we couldn't come out until something happened. We shyed away from eachother for a bit and the out of nowhere we were kissing. He told me he loved me, and when I was silent out of disbelief, he said " You know you want to say it back, don't you?" I half breathed it out as a sigh of relief, and we stayed in there embracing. we talked on the phone that night, and when he asked if this was what i wanted, I said that it was, if he wanted it ( I've always had a problem being straightforward) Two days later, I was back at his apt. and at first it was weird, but I made a move and we were, unnofficially, a couple. His exact words were "I like this. I like us..."  I went home after an amazing day. Three days later, after no contact, I asked if I could come over, and he said yes, but when I got there, K.C. was lying with him, and all of her friends were in the apt. watching a movie. He had backed out. He's so good at being in denial, and giving in to his fear of change...

He's given me explanations such as " I wasn't capable of loving anyone fully other than my ex (from the 3 year relationship) and I would have rather lead K.c. on than lead you on"

" I didn't think you really wanted it, after all, you never said you did"

" I just don't have feelings for you"

" I felt like everyone wanted this but you, and I wasn't sure WHAT I wanted"

"I'm in no way good enough for you" ( he has ridiculously low self esteem)


But since then, we've had numerous accident "encounters" ( kissing, etc.) and he has, on more than one occasion, drunkenly confessed feelings for me.

To this day, I don't honestly know how he feels, felt, or ever will feel, and have had a lack of success in relationships because of the confusion. He is now single ( that THING he was dating is now in another state for good and they don't talk), and we have resolved all hard feelings (due to his rejecting me with no explanation, and my pushing him to love me, out of confusion). I have moved on from that ultimately, hopeless chapter of my life, and am now seeing the first guy since him that I have ever felt anything for. We've always been there for each other ( from him getting kicked out of his house by his abusive parents on my birthday, to a lot of private things that I have dealt with) and I know we always will be, but, as for being together... I guess it just didn't pan out...

da2073 da2073
2 Responses Mar 11, 2009

:) & :(. . I read this and I Go Back to a time where I totally identify with your story. My dueling faces are a result of me recollecting a special someone who I have always had this weirdo shmeirdo feeling for. .. I totally denied her in heart, cuz I was a stupid boy. One day I was in the carriage house getting my daily *** chewing (I fuct up alot/apparently) and I denounced my accusers remarks. The door flung open and I heard this scream I would never forget. All of a sudden, I was like .. ooh that hurt. Not only did my remarks hurt her but me as well. All of a sudden "BLING'K"! this light bulb just transformed into a new illumination for my one Lux lighted path. Now I was haunted via her responses for eternity. Days became weak and months became a sentence served. I will never ever forgive myself for hurting my Aphex so ignorantly. My point is this. If its meant to be, it will. Like they say about God, and how he help those who help themselves. This isn't a gluttonous thing, pursuing happiness. Maybe you should try to amend your rift and if the stars hold it, you will too...

(((HUGS)))) May you have found your One and not RightNow :)