I'm an 18-year-old girl who is in love with her best friend. I've been in love with him for 5 years now and nothing really has changed much ever since. I gathered up the courage to tell him I love him on Valentine's Day 2005 even though I know he doesn't love me that way. I was aching inside, I just had to tell him... He is my best friend, I tell him everything. I cried like hell in front of him and asked him to keep things the way it was. I told him, "Please stay being my best friend." I walked away, and about an hour later he told me thank you for loving him. It was only awkward for a week, but then things did turn back to normal just like he promised. For months he kept asking me if I still love him or not, or if I like anyone new. Because we were in the 8th grade, he probably thought it was just a simple crush. Trust me, it's NOT. At 14, I was hoping what I felt for him was simply infatuation and that I know nothing about love. But that year, I found the true meaning of love: Selfless, Sincere, and Sacrificial - and well, based on that definition, I do love him. For real. So I eventually realized why he kept asking me about my "love life"; it was because he liked someone else and didn't have the heart to tell me. He didn't want to hurt my feelings. So for the sake of his happiness, I sacrificed my own feelings and lied to him. I told him I don't love him anymore and voila! He immediately told me he was having a crush on some girl. Being the best friend I've always been to him, I listened to his stories. I even helped him get the girl. Years passed and he got in one serious relationship. I, on the other hand, got into several childish relationships while still loving him all along. Even though he doesn't love me, it doesn't mean I should stop looking for someone who might love me in return. I tried lying to myself and others, I tried to fall out of love with him and fall for someone new... But nothing worked. I'm still in love with him today. What sucks is that all these years, I love him so much that all I care about is seeing him happy. His happiness means the world to me. So for 5 years (and going) now, I've been watching the love of my life go out and date other girls, helping him to get them. I've cried too much because of him and he doesn't know it. I love him and he told me I was gonna be his best man at his wedding. I wanted to tell him I love him again... or STILL, actually. But why would that matter? All I want now is to stop loving him because it hurts. Because I want to be selfish. Because I want to love someone who loves me back, for once. But his happiness is still my priority, and I'm afraid my confession would actually hurt our friendship the second time around. If I can't have him as my boyfriend, I still want him as my best friend - always and forever. I'm in love with my best friend and it sucks like hell.
Written on February 15th, 2010