Green Eyes

Today I've made myself a Promise, a promise I intend to keep. The hardest part is that by accepting this promise, I'm letting go a part of me I know I'll never get back. As I reassure myself I will never go back on my word, I can't hold back the tears. This hurts more than I thought it would. I promised myself I'd never think of her, that I would avoid her name, her presence at all cost. She is my angel, and not because she looks like one or becouse I'm inlove with her. She is an angel because she saved me from my dark ages, from my own personal hell. I used to be nice, I used to care about eveyone and everything. I always worried and I was always relaiable and filled with loyalty and trust towards anyone...big mistake. I had my heart broken, torn apart by someone who could have cared less, someone who used me as they wanted and enjoyd my pain. I changed for her, I became whatever she wanted me to be. by the time she was done with hurting me, by the time I had run my eyes dry, I had changed. I did not care for the world, I did not know of a god. I lived in my room for a year. I never said a word and I never went out. From school to my room everyday, listning to the darkest of songs, with messages that would never lift a soul, but it would harden it. a year passed and I had grown sick of everyone, I did what I wanted. never good things but it liberated me. One day I got home and recived the news that my family has signed me up for a retreat in my local parish. It was for people 18 to 21 years of age, I became enraged. nothign would make me better, not my family or god...or I thought at that point. I went close mindedly and frowned upon every friendly face, it hurt so much to see a part of who I used to be in the faces of those who smiled at everyone, at strangers like me. I took a seat with a few accuantences from  school, I was in no mood to sit alone through the pep talks. when she caught my eye, she always did. I had seen her many times and I always had to wait for long time intervals to see her again. I knew nothing of this girl, but theres was always  something about her. I felt as though I knew everything about her. She was beautiful, but there was more to her than looks. I know she had noticed me, since looked discreetly my way various times. but I made nothing of it. for all I know she thought I was a creep. It wasent till my second day there, I was sitting alone outside during our break and i was singing to myself. she came out of nowhere, and said to me how I had such a beautiful voice.  Like an idiot I sat there starign at her, I had to witty response to that. so I simply smiled, she then smiled at me and walked away. Right there and then I knew I had to meet this girl, had I just smiled!? had I forgotten the bittness inside, was I even bitter anymore?? i coudnt tell. her presence made me doubt my own, every bad thing all of my grudges were gone..all I had to think about was her smile..and her eyes. The richest green I'll ever know, her eyes, rare jewels or life. they changed colors, from a beautiful topaz to a euphoric green...i was mesmirized. it was to late for me to save myself, before i could do anything about it she had opend me like a book. she didnt give up on me live everyone else, she found enough intrest in me to keep me. since that day we became the best of friends. She had 2 other girls who were obviously her bestfriends too, they knew eachother for years, and I barely knew her and she treated me as if she knew me forever...which was the way I felt about her. days passed so fast when I was with her, months flew by and now a year. Ive been her best friend for a year and more and the problem here is that Ive loved her since before day 1. There is nothing more I care about than her, when tears come from her eyes I want to be there to catch every single one of them. I want to kiss away her pains and fears...she is like no one else, she is so diffrent. Fierce and independant. she is strong opinioned and she dosent wait for charity. She has many flaws, which only make her more beautiful. she is not even tempered and she has the cutest defect..her blush. She turns scarlet red for anything! when shes embarrased, when shes bad, when shes excited..everything. I love making her blush. My feelings for her gre stronger and stronger with time and I became afraid...I had opend my heart to someone before and I was prematuredly hurt...or so I though before I had meet my angel. She made me forget and heal all wounds. I let my guard down, as if I had any with her in the first rebel without a cause attitude died along with all my worries and closet full of skeletons. I saw her everyday at school and I spent every weekend with was rare the times I was away from her. I loved looking into her eyes and eveytime i did id get lost in all my dreams..that maybe she loved me the slightest bit. She would talk aboug guys when she was with her girlfriends and it made me disappointed, because I knew id never be the guy of her dreams. She confuses me so much though there was a time in which we crossed the line of friendship, she always cared about me, she wanted to know everything...which was funny to me since she already knew everything there was to know about me. She danced with me, she held my hald...I became extreamly confused. I would catch her looking at me all the time, we would find eachother looking and then wed look away. But it was never akward..even our silence, when there was nothing to say wasent akward. We text each other all the time and then it turned itno phone conversations that lasted hours. At parties she would always keep an eye on me, when ever she saw me talking to certain people she would deliberatly show jelousy and disconfort..sometimes disappointment. but I only talked to other people when i would catch her doing the same. I can say Im not the jelouse type, but Im not for games either..I loved her for real. With my hand in my heart i could say I loved her like Ive never loved anyone else and like ill never love someone else. We created these games that drove me insane, I would tell myself id confront her but i never got to it once she began talking to me, id lose my train of thought....or i made myself forget. It was sometime later she text me to go to the nearest A and W restaurant. I meet with her there, it was only her..and I loved that it was only us for a change. we were both so nervous I found it quite humorous..we decided we'd go to the park and it wasent till 2 minutes later one of us noticed we were going the wrong way. she used the excuse of "Im just returning your book" to see me. I went with it. then as we walked slowly, she took a deep breath and asked me a question that I threw me completly off..she said " Do you like me?". Panic shook me violently, this was the moment of truth..the climax of all of my woories, my questions, my concerns. a million questions flooded my head, what if I said yes? Id lose her forever! she probably was only making sure I only saw her as my best friend,nothing more...I cared more about keeping her my friend than my wasent worth the risk for me righ then and there. I wasent ready for that I said the stupidest thing I could have ever said. I destroyed my window of opportunity..I said no. Her face had so many diffrent reactions..I coudlnt read her. I did not understand the magnitude of what I had just said..I had rejected her. I HAD FUCKIG REJECTED HER. I dont care what the reason behind her asking me was! i had lied to her..after all this time..i lied to her and myself. I'll never kow what would of happend had I said yes..but understand my pain and confusion. I could not afford to lose her, there was not enough proof that she liked me back...I felt as thoug everything she said I twisted to make it seem as though somehow she wanted me I had to protect our friendship. I regret it with all my life now..but what is done is done. Lately, things have changed. she makes an annual visit to her hometown..and she meet soemone. She meet with a guy who has the looks and the grace. he has his LA charm and he knew how to play the game. He made a move for her and captivated her. I waited for her for a whole 4 weeks, thats how long she was away from me, but I waited. Time was liek hell for me, she was gone and so was I mind and soul she took with her without even knowing. I wasent totally miserable which made me so happy..cuz i could tell this time I had it was love. I coul be myself without her here, I missed her crazy but i could still be me. Which meant this was love, not infactuation or obession, which was what I felt for my first horrid attempt at love. when she came, I was stunned my her..i was amazed at how i would probably never get used to her presence, her smile, and her eyes. When I saw her I knew she was all I wanted and needed, i knew I had been a fool for saying no to her when she asked me if I liked could she even question it!? has she not seen my idiotic expression when everytime I see her? she went up to me and hugged me, i would have loved for time to stop there. then she said it..the words I knew would kill me...she meet someone. He talked all about her trip, she and him starring almost the whole story.  the great finaly was how amazing he was at kissing. how they had made-out for hours...too much information for my poor soul. How could something so simple hurt me so much?..but I said nothing, I just smiled the fakest of smiles and let her know how happy I was for her...which was not a Lie. I meant it with every single cell in my body. I would die, Before saying all the bad things I wanted to say about that fly boy of hers, only because I know Id upset her or hurt her, and I would never do that to her. They kept a long distance friendship, if u can call it that..she would tel me about him, and Id alway find away to compose myself before she could notice anything. The weird part with is all is that this LA stud happens to be SO much like me. He has many characteristics like mine, he likes many of the things I happen to like, he has many diffrences but somehow I guess she has a type..and well I happen to be of that certain type..too bad I barely noticed till now. It infuriated me to know she compared him to me...shed say things like " He loves Reggae too! thats so both like the same music" ect ect. The fly boy stopped contacting her and she became very saddened by it...and I becamed extreamly worried about her. I cared not for my own pain to see her so devastated for soemone so worthless..I saw this coming. I should have warned her, but I couldnt. I loved her eyes when shes excited or happy, even if I was not the cause for that happiness. time has passed and she dosent talk about him anymore, but things have changed. we changed. She became a bit distant with me and she treats me with a cold indiffrence. she still looks at me, when she thinks im not watching but something clearly changed. Never had i had an argument with her or found my self frustrated with her..but lartly we've been clashing. She dosent take my feeling into consideration. She talks to me only about superficial things. school, work. nothing personal. no inside jokes, no dorky smiles,  no light in her eyes no nothing. I bring out the worst in her..and I dont even know why. My hear thuds so hard i cant belive she cant hear it when I  see her..I;ve become exactly who I never wanted to be...I feel inlove with this angel who dosent love me, who now hurts me. I have cried myself to sleep thinking on what i did to have her be this way towards me, I have cried because its pathetic how id take this pain a million times worse before ever reggrettign meeting her. I feel inlove with my best friend, but I promised myself I'd leave her alone. I wont look for her, I wont aske for her, I wont look at her, I wont bother her. I wont be her friend. She can have all of me. but I will not ask for nothing. I will not look into her eyes and wonder ever again if she'll ever love me like I will always love her.

StephG StephG
2 Responses Mar 10, 2010

ITS SOOO OBVIOUS SHE LIKES YOU. Please please please tell her everything pour your heart out

my friend acts in that way after I told him, Do you think he maybe.... feels the same?