My Affair With "Hope"

When I was about eight and she was about four, my cousin’s family came to visit. She clung to me and I loved every second of it. In a roomful of other kids shouting and playing, she and I lay on a bottom bunk and cuddled to one another. Apparently a bond was formed between us.  However, I only saw her one other time, since then, until last year. She contacted me and we planned to meet at her mother’s home (my aunt). Even before meeting, I sensed something inexplicable in the few e-mails between us. To say that I fell in love, would be a gross understatement, when I walked in my aunt’s home, saw her standing there, hugged her neck, and heard her speak. I was far more than in love. For the first time in my life, I was whole. The missing piece in me had been found. I will never, ever be the same.

I did not have to get to know this woman. We knew each other from the very start. We read each others minds. We know, from 160 miles apart, when the other is hurting. When one of us wants to know how the other one feels, all we have to do is look within. We know each other like our own selves.
As a result, we always seem to know the right things to say. More than a hundred times, the same words have come out of our mouths at the same time. We are addicted to each others words.

Still, we set out on a path to know every detail about each other. We share every detail of every day. We are very proud of and encouraging to one another. Story by story, we are learning each other’s past that we regret missing out on. We know and share the same dreams and aim to make them come true. I tell her she is my “true come dream” instead of my “dream come true”. Instead of her making my dreams come true, she makes me dream the unimaginable. We have let each other inside a heaven that we have let no other person in before.

Coincidentally, the business that I work for has another business in the town where she lives. I was sent on a business trip and arranged to spend the night with my cousin and her family. I met her for lunch at a park. Within minutes, I pulled her to me and we kissed the most powerful kiss I had ever experienced. We moved to the passenger seat of my vehicle and we kissed, caressed one another, and cried. She asked me what she could do? I said, “Love me forever!” It was the only commitment that we could make. It was a reality whether we committed to it or not.

Her husband happened to be gone on a hunting trip. That night, we went full circle from the childhood incident to which I referred. I had never seen or touched any other woman’s body besides my wife’s, yet what took place was the most natural occurrence. I was completely wowed by her physical beauty and the skill with which she loved me. She told me, later, that she never felt guilty. In spite of a strong Christian background, neither did I. My heart is in total disagreement with my mind. We have replayed the night over and over in our minds and in our conversations.

Over the past year, we have tried, numerous times, to go backward and end our affair and we have tried to go forward to consummate it. We have failed each time. I have grieved and suffered depression more than when my mother died. I have told myself that I had no choice but to bury my mother; this woman, though, is still alive! I refuse to bury her and to have my soul needlessly ripped apart. We feel trapped in what we call our “in-between”. Amazingly, though, being together is looking more and more possible. We have found that we cannot fight nor force destiny, but we must let her unfold.

Once she expressed that she always wanted to go to the US Virgin Islands. I told her that, one day, I will take her there. We have decided that we will go to the “land of hope and pride” to get married and spend our honeymoon. We may be young; we may be old, but we have a three some with this hope. She has consented to share me with hope until she is able to take her place. I will wait many eternities for her; if she said, “Let’s run away,” I’d leave tonight.

In the meantime, our souls are married. I know what it is like to know a soul-mate. This girl is the blood of my blood, the heart of my heart, the soul of my soul. We have something which a preacher and a ring could neither add to nor take from.

This Thanksgiving, we will all be at my aunt’s again for dinner. We have teased that we will have a great reveal in which we kiss in front of everyone and give our Grandma a “heart attack”. The interesting part is my aunt and my wife know a little about what’s going on between us. While the revealing kiss is unlikely, we are both totally psyched about being together in this setting; using our eyes, our souls, and text messaging to communicate what we can’t say out loud from across the room; stuffing ourselves; and talking about everybody over the next few weeks.

Thank you_ cousin, lover, and friend_ for taking such perfect care of my heart.  I love you forever!  If anyone reads my experience, I would love to know your positive thoughts. Please take a moment to leave a comment. . .
stcroixbound stcroixbound
36-40, M
4 Responses Nov 12, 2010

I also live such love with my cousin, my cousin is not married and have no girlfriend, but i have been in a 14 year long relationship and have kids with this man. Ive never loved anyone so much in my life and even when we have tried to end this love and not have any contact in years at a time, that has not worked because our love and connection is like nothing i have ever felt before. He is willing to stay by my side regardless of me staying with my boyfriend, i dont feel regrets or remorse of waht i feel for him, although i do feel bad for my boyfriend who is a good man and wonderful father. The only regret i have had all my life is caring about how our family disaproves and what people would think before i had my children. We should had went for it, and i am sure that our family would of got over it. Now i can never we with him and worry free and will forever love and see each other in secret because i am worried about how my children will see me and think of me. If any of you are single still and have no kids and is inlove with your cousin, hide no more and love each other, its your life its you guys love.

I totally understand the way you feel about your cousin and I hope you two will be together in the future!!! I wish everyone had a soulmate like you.

Wow I Understand the connection you have...Every Cousin Couple I have spoke with has mention this connection with the eyes and souls....Its so true A Bound that is made from the beginning and no matter how hard we try to turn away from it it'll never end True Love Can Not Be Separated! Thats why I am now married to my cousin! I do hope the best for you and your true love...

The inability to love completely has been felt by my spouse and the kids. I have made the (oft-made) statement that I will stay for the kids. However, the kids are picking up on the strain. I doubt that I am doing them a favor. I am naive enough, I suppose, to believe that I may free my spouse to find the same happiness that I have found. I know that is a combination of destiny and personal choice. In addition, I feel that my kids will benefit and (frankly) be thrilled at the prospect of four new sisters and all that this woman, my cousin, has to offer to their lives.