It's been a year. I feel disgusted with myself but then I keep trying to defend myself saying "you can't control your emotions. It's not your fault on who you end up being attracted to"... But then I feel like it's just an excuse for trying to get out of it. I'm in love with my cousin. The first time we met was when we were 8. Being young and in a foreign place, we didn't really talk during that entire vacation, being shy and little... Fast forward 5 years were now teenagers. Spent a month together and we began to secretly flirt which the leaded to things more physical. After the vacation we Skyped everyday. Meaning EVERYDAY. I will honestly say we only missed 4 days out of that year. Sometimes we fight over little things like when one of us doesn't come home on time or too late cause we get worried. Or jealousy or just random stupid things. But it was great, it felt more real. I know debates go around saying that teenagers don't know what real love is or are too young to understand. During our time together I didn't really care to be honest. We thought what we felt was love, if were wrong then great, that means it's gets even better as we stay together. We had to end it though. My mother caught us and was disgusted with what was going on. she accessed my skype by accident. I'm not going to lie, I was disgusted too. Every time Im at school, or in those little moments where I'm not talking to him because he's not home yet, I overthink and think to myself "what the hell are you doing? You need to end this, this is so wrong" but as soon as u see him online and he starts to message you things like "baby I'm home! How was your day? Can we video chat now?" I just forget everything and carry on being a stupid teenager falling in love with a normal guy day to day.

It's been a year now. I miss him. He wasn't so bad looking and our family members use to joke around and talk about all the girls that like to chase him or flirt with him. I feel like he's probably forgotten about me already. Or maybe just doesn't care. I don't know. I feel like a stupid teenager obsessing over a guy that's not worth it, then to put myself down even more, I remind my self that he's my cousin. That makes me feel even more pathetic.

My family has made plans to have a big family reunion this december here in our country. I see my mothers face when we mention where the cousins are going to sleep. I know what she's thinking of. She hasn't told anyone because she knows it will rip our family apart.

Over the past few months developed anxiety. During the middle of this year when I found our about the Christmas reunion ive been having anxiety attacks every now and then. I've heard that, that's what can happen when a person goes through a bad breakup. Which makes me feel even more pathetic that I would allow myself to be psychologically affected by some guy, again even worse because it's my cousin. I've told my therapist, she says that not only am I being affected because of the things that took place, but I am sub consciously bothered by the guilt of what I've done with him. And apparently my mothers unforgiving attitude is what makes it worse. But I can't tell her that. I'm too scared to.

I have mixed emotions about what I feel towards this Christmas reunion. There is only a fifty fifty chance that he might come along because apparently they might not have enough money to sponsor everyone. I feel like I need to see him. Maybe not to be with him, but that I just need to see him just to see that he's happy now because at this moment I feel like maybe he has feelings still in there for me that I might make a mistake to let go, so if I ends up coming here, and I see him happy, I will know that because he's happy then it's okay to let go.

But for now I'm still here overthinking, over analysing. A stupid teenager that's in love with her cousin
fuckedupstories fuckedupstories
18-21, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2014

Will you calm down! Nothing you are doing is wrong I've spent the better part of 20 yrs researching this it's all lies and lies, it's all social dogma that makes you feel sick, there is no harm if you don't believe me you can both get tested if you have any diseases but that applies for any and all diseases etc so NO retarded babies etc that's all lies!
An no offence but if your family can't see that this makes you happy thy don't care about your happiness only their own image! Sorry to say?
I hope it works for you, don't let anyone tell you what to do, if you don't believe me spend 15-20 years researching everything then you can tell anyone to **** off with their superstitions and dogma? Anyway hope this helps, but if you seriously want to do this don't ever get with him and then run of scared it will be hard but worth it?

Yeah I have researched about the baby defects and I know it's not real. As for the family issue, I have wondered that in the past. Though my mother she keeps telling me it's a sin against God (we come from very religious upbringings) Thanks for your comment though :)

I have the same problem

You are not stupid at all. As you have said in your post "one cannot help whom they fall in love with".

Is it against God to love your cousin? My mother said very strictly that it was. Coming from a very religious family, this upsets me a lot...

Ok and I am from a fairly religious family myself. I do understand why you are upset. But I also have had an experience somewhat the same as your's. Except for the fact that the difference is that my cousin and I were not intimate.

Personally I feel that love is love except for of course with members of your immediate family meaning brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents.

What I've thinking of lately is that maybe it's true that one cannot control their emotions. Though if it is wrong, acting upon it is when it becomes a sin.....?

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