A Hard Learnt LessonIt all started innocently enough, I post of forums, have done for many a year now. When I was 19, this guy sent me a PM wishing me happy birthday... which got us talking. It didn't happen quickly. Initally we just were chatting buddies, nothing deep and meaningful... it was all fun and banter... nothing that would suggest that 4 years down the track we'd actually have feelings for each other.
Of course, there was the big flashing sign of I live in Australia, and he lives on Scotland... and I'm generally not a romantic. I know that logistically that wouldn't work. So like I said... 4 years of fun and banter which had somehow turned deep and meaningful before I had even realised that we had both tripped and fallen in a bad way. I didn't want to admit it for ages. Straight out wouldn't. But once I did...it all got crazy. We had our moments of saying we should try to be together, breaking up.... missing each other... trying to be friends.... failing at being just friends... starting the cycle all over again. We danced the dance for a couple of years on that as well.
Meanwhile I was hitting a wall workwise. I had always wanted to travel. Thought I would do it after I finished uni but it didn't happen... we were in an off period and I thought I would hop on a plane and go live in the UK for a year. I hadn't exactly planned on staying in Glasgow at first... I was gonna do the London thing like most other Aussies do... but then I realised just how many Aussies were doing exactly that, I picked up my kit and headed North.
We got in touch on line. We chatted about it meeting, swapped numbers and such.... but it never happened. He got cold feet, his reasoning was that if we ended up working out to only have me leave that he couldn't handle that. I was willing to take the risk and see what would happen. He wasn't. I could go into all the emotional turmoil of it all... but I won't because it's still rather painful on occasions, like he has permanently broken me on that side of things. I never tried to seek him out. I had a brilliant time in living in Scotland, made some great friends, travelled around Europe. Even knowing the outcome (which I'm sure deep down that I did), I would still have done it. Tried. Even knowing it failed. Love's supposed to be worth it, right?
What learnt a lot about myself during this relationship, mainly I suppose what I'd be willing to do... and that I'll survive even when it feels like being torn apart. I came home and living life proud of at least not being scared to try. Perhaps I wish I hadn't been so drawn in but I suppose when you can't help it, you really can't help it.
As for him, I don't know.... we don't speak anymore, which I'm sure suits us both, because it definitely suits me. I wish I could say I wish him well... but the truth is, I don't think I'd mean it if I did. So later in life, my hindsight will lead me to be able to mean it one day. And for now I just go on, for once in my life single, and actually happy about it... it's nice to be off the romantically charged emotional rollercoaster after so many years on it. Maybe when I sort myself out I'll be happy to get on it once again.
definedinsanity 26-30, F 3 Responses 1 May 26, 2010