Distant Love

About 8-9 years ago I met a boy live, but we were from different cities, and we kept in touch online. We lost contact and we got in touch many times, simple coincidence or through people we both know. We rarerly met shortly and fugitive through these people.
4 years ago we got again in touch after a moment of silence between us. He was after a break up and me I was in a relation that didn`t work. Even without knowwing he helped me going through, just because he was always there online for me. I liked him for as far as I know because I felt he was special. When I talk to him I feel at ease, I feel peace and I am happy. Somehow we started talking about us and the fact that we should give us a chance in love.  In the mean time I broke for real with my boyfriend I had enough with his lies. But L, was always there for me online. We were there for each other - he also got into some unpleasant situation and I always encouraged him.  We decided to meet and see if it will work for us. I should say, as we use to say to each other that - We are on the other side of the world from each other. I  had to prepare a vacation - I quit work and decided to take a longer brake. I was ok with that, it wasn`t only him - I hadn`t had a vacation in 2 years and I was too depressed with work and my break up. But I made so many dreams about meeting him live and spend time together and chat over and over about all the things we both liked and shared.
I arranged with  my distant relatives to stay with them for a month and a half ( they are from the same city as him), but of course my dream was him. The last 2 weeks at home were so hectic - I had to train someone at work and leave everything in order at work and at home. I was so tired and I told him to forgive me and wait for a few days for me to recover. But, I was so excited when I got finally to sit in the plane.
He waited for me at the airport, I was tired and I felt shy when I saw him live. I noticed he felt the same. He said we had to go to a party that night - so he only gave me 2 hours to rest, after 14 hours flight and totally different hours. When he came to pick me up from my relatives I was moony, I was in no mood for any party, but I told my self to hang in there. I didn`t dance and barely talked, I was kind of out of it. He seemed ok, and he said things like don`t worry, we have time. It was arranged from before to go for about a week to the beach, but it looked the wheather wasn`t very favorabile, so he said we better go that week to the mountains. It wasn`t  a trip just for us- it was with some of his friends. When he brought me home - we didn`t kiss or something, but he told me he will let me know about the trip, to sleep well and recover in the days previous to the trip. The next few days I only slept and chat with him online, he seemed fine, but he was saying he had no news about the trip. My relatives left for their vacation for 2 weeks, so I was alone.  I though that maybe in the week-end we could organize a house party or something. The day of the trip approached but he continued to say he had no news, so I stopped asking him and I hopped we`ll plan a party when we`ll be back. The day before the planned date  I was getting anxious...he answered my txt or chat message I`ll let you know. By midnight no answer. I felt something was going on, but I couldn`t understand what. And then he stopped answering messages online, or by phone, he wasn`t picking. I was so desperate, alone crying loud for the next few days. I knew that if he gets depressed he will hide him self for a while from people, but he never did that with me. I tried to talk to his friends, aquitances that I knew...One of them told me there are 2 options - he doesn`t like me as a woman or he is too f...up and freaked out. He also told me that L. liked me very much and lately he was only talking about my arrival, so he didn`t like me it was a matter of attraction. So, I wrote him again and again...rationally - you know it`s ok if you don`t like me as being the woman for you, he can chose who he wants and feels like, but I hopped we still can be friends. But, no answer.

The other guy I knew through him from a social site, felt sorry for me. He came along appologize for L and accompanied me around to visit and in a way forget about L. He couldn`t reach him neither. We decided not to talk about, so I don`t suffer - but when I got home at night I was crying like it was the end of the world. Twice I didn`t resist and burst into tears in the arms of this man, he said to me to go and check also at L. home. I had his address - we`ve sent presents to each other a few times. I found as excuse to bring the present I brought him and I went _ I met his mum a very nice lady, that knew about me, but didn`t know what happened lately. He wasn`t home, she called him. When she told him it was me, he hang up. I understood. Later, that day he txt me: "You shouldn`t have come to my house. I`m sorry that is the way I am - I hopped you understood. Now is everything over". I can`t even tell you how depressing was the rest of my vacation - I just wanted to go home. But home was empty also. I came back with a broken heart...and I felt even more depressed when I saw my appartment. It was like he was all around. I had pictures, music, books that we shared,  my computer was full of him. And most of all I was missing talking with him. I prayed and hopped that one day will start being friends again, if we couldn`t be together. In a discussion his friend told me that he asked him about me and he said he doesn`t want to talk about, he only mentioned "she is no action" and that he even has deleted me from his messenger list. I blamed my self for being tired that night and not move a finger to approach him.
And more the time passed more I knew I was madly in love with him. Many month later 7-8 some how we started talking again, he added me again to his messanger list - he said I`m sorry million times and repeated to me that if I`m really his friend I should forgive him and never talk about. At least, my prayer reached success we were talking again. It took us long to get to be as friendly and open as we were before 1-2 years.
In the mean time I started dating somebody else, but it wasn`t the same. For me - L is like my other half. Last summer, my cousin got married, so I went again to that city this time with my boyfriend. We`ve met alone, but we only talked as aquitances...and then we`ve met with other people. He knew about my boyfriend, but I felt he didn`t cope very well with it. It hurt me seeing him - I wanted to scream to him "You idiot, I love you!Just make a sign! Why can`t you see me?" I hidden my feelings and cried in silence. When we left he txt me: "see you in another life"
We stil talk  and we are as the best friends. Even if I am very happy now in my relation I can not forget him...I`m still so in love with him and he will never really know.

SerenityM SerenityM
1 Response Jul 9, 2010

Let him go dear, have a wonderful life with your current boy friend. Dont keep hope that sometime in the future your friend will turn around and say the magic words you want to hear. Commit yourself to your current life and enjoy.