...And We Recently Broke Up Online, Too.

I was 16, he was 15 at the time. We were young, silly, stupid teenagers that knew nothing about life, love, and the real world. We became best friends; I trusted him with everything and anything in a way that I never could with anyone else. He taught me how to be that way, how to trust someone. He taught me how to talk openly about how I feel because until then I always thought it was wrong. He taught me that there was someone out there who actually could love me. I like to think I taught him some important things, too. We remained just friends for over two years but in that time we grew closer and closer.

When I was 18 something happened to me, I went through a terrible ordeal and thought I was going to have to deal with it alone. I was wrong. He called me that night and told me how much he loved me, he knew what I was going through and still somehow found a way to make me realize that it could all get better. It did. We spent eight years together, no not all of them online. Most of them, yes, and it was hard but we found a way to make it work. I traveled to go see him, he came to see me. It wasn't ideal but we loved each other too much to call it quits; the relationship was worth the effort. We had our troubles, his dishonesty, my self esteem...those things had their effect on the relationship now and then but we always worked it out. We talked things out, always, learned from our mistakes, learned how not to act and what not to say just because times were hard. We were growing up together, you see...learning how to be adults, learning how to be in a relationship and consider someone else.

Eventually, we decided it was time to find a way to be together. We were both adults now so there was nothing really that could stop us. Our only hindrances were money and time but we were going to find a way, anyway. After six years in a long distance relationship, we were finally living practically next to each other. Well, it was close enough. The transition to a real relationship was awkward at worst, but it was perfect to finally be together. Things were good, we fought much less without the stress of not being able to be with one another. But sadly, three years later, earlier this month, that all ended.

Things...became difficult for him. Things that had nothing to do with me or a relationship or anyone else. He needed to find himself because as it turns out, he just didn't really know who he was anymore or what he wanted from life. He thought he wanted to be with me, kids, a family, all the normal things couples eventually do. Not for him, though. He doesn't know who he is - and he's not happy with the person he is right now. Unfortunately, this isn't something a little more self esteem, a little more confidence, a thoughtful hug and "I love you, no matter what" can solve. Friends cant help him. Family can't help him, they can only support him and try to understand. And the one person who supported him every night for over a decade of friendship; who cried with him when he cried, who listened to his every worry and problem as a best friend and a partner? She's the last person he wants around - there's no room for her.

So where does that leave me, us, after 8 years? Dumped, through instant message. Not a phone call, not a request to meet and talk. It wasn't an entire shock because I knew what he'd been going through, but the shock came in the fact that he never once told me how far gone things were. He never sat down and said "I need to talk to you about this so we can work through it because it's too much". He never sat me down in person to say "I'm sorry but we need to break up". He never even actually said those words 'break up'. It was just merely implied in an instant message, online, in the middle of the night during what had been a regular conversation. I'm angry. Hurt. Lost. The worst thing about it is that I have no best friend to talk to about it. I can't tell my best friend that the love of my life dumped me without one ounce of respect in how he did it. I was disposable and though we no longer talk now, I wish he would have given me a chance to speak and actually listened. I wish he respected me as much as I thought he did, to at least have the courage to tell me this to my face; that he still cared enough to give me that closure. To both see his face when he said it and hear the words for myself. Instead I have memories of a breakup where he said he didn't actually want to go, didn't want things to end, just didn't know what else to do. Maybe if I'd seen pain on his face and in his voice, I'd know he actually still cared and how it hurt him to do this. But as cold as he became, as horribly as he treated me, I can't believe this hurts him at all.

He truly has become unfeeling...yet, a pathetic little part of me, without hearing the words and seeing his face, will always wonder what could have been.
Silvr Silvr
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 29, 2011

It is difficult but maybe for the best. This way you didn't have to go through the indignity of trying and begging him to change his mind and give you a chance. It may not feel like that right now but in time you will be able to hold your head up high and say you acted correctly and gave him full support right until the very end. Even beyond it should it have been requested. <br />
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You sound as though you have much more to give. Save it for someone who will appreciate it and you for bringing that support to them. It is just a pity that someone like you with so much to give will have to wonder what if due to someone else’s behaviour.

Thanks. That's what I keep telling myself, that I'll save it all for someone who will truly appreciate it someday :)