The Ink Slinger

In the midst of despare and loneliness I had turned to an on line dating site.
It's always been against my better judgement as so many lies are told in order to capture te others affection.
I am a very honest person , most times to my own fault.
So this was a huge step for a few reasons, a stagnant marriage with no passion , romance or intimacy, the cliche , and the realization of how desperate for affection I had become and how vulnerable it all made me.
I created a profile and just kept typing . Typing every truth , yet not revealing what I wanted from a man or needed.
I don't believe in making a man to fit me . We either mesh or we don't.
I had the reply of a lifetime.
Ink Slinger had every word down , yet wasn't a player.
Honesty was his every fibre, integrity in every word.
He spoke to me like a modern day Shakespeare .
I never had a man speak to me the way I had always desired, I never had a man look at me with my history of flaws and paint me perfect.
I was in love .
Not lust , not passion ....Love
A touch less , non sexual, no sexual references, no request for skin pictures, just pure sweet blissful love.
Greeted every morning with the most beautiful words .
Words that would pick you up in the morning and carry you into the next day.
His words were like music to my soul.
He would tell me his love for me in a way that would make the greatest love story look bad.
It was as if we had known each other for life times.
That I had loved him purely threw decades of time, yet never touched.
We would speak for hours on the phone and ache when we said goodbye.
My world was floating .
We sat and had coffee, the only touch we had was when I put my hand on his.
It was like an electrical shock wave felt in every fibre of my being.
I was so lost in him and all he was, where he had been and all he would become.
In a moment I took a breath and my phone lit estranged husband with a text.
I remembered a life I was walking away from, full of hurt , lies, disappointment , pain.
I had to leave and focus.
I made vows before God and family,
We have a child together.
My heart ached, as the playlist he put on my MP3 played.
I finally did it. I fell in love the way I had always dreamed of and I couldn't keep it or really act on it.
I mourn him still.
He will never know how he blessed my world, how incredible the feeling to just love some one is.
The worst part , I hurt him. The most beautiful man I have met , I hurt.
It was perfect, it was innocent and real.
God forgive me, still I mourn him.
The most impacting song he gave me was David Gray Be mine.
I still hear his voice and feel his invisible presence.
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5 Responses Dec 14, 2012

it might as well have my story, its so sad a painfull reminder of own story. at least reading your story i can find comfort and maybe my heart will heal. Thank you.

Well, lady. I am a member of this group so .... " _______________." And I am still in love with him 14 years later. What I think was "wrong" about it was I was married, I did a lot of the lying. I think he was honest. But my honesty came thru and tho he called me a liar and said he would never want a wife like me, I hit my bottom and I am forever changed because "___________________." Divorce is hard, but for me, my marriage was chaotic and having fallen in love was a miracle that got me thru divorce and these past 14 years. I still think about the confidence, hope and satisfaction he gave me to face my future. From that point of view, I have to believe he truly loved me, possibly more than I say I love him. I wonder if he thinks of me or feels as changed and inspired as I am. He's still single after all these years. I "owed" him a visit a few years ago when it had been a decade since he changed my life. I believe we are soulmates. Its true I needed God's forgiveness, but the only reason I know it is because I was touched with .. yes. Real love. I am forgiven, I know. And I will never forget :).

Good lord - Bekiloohoo... I'm sure you've heard every push in either direction, from others as well as the ones internally. No one could know where another finds peace, but boy was that a sacrifice. I'm not sure whether more courage was required to leave, or stay, but I hope you're happy now with the one you chose.

But what you do have is the memory, and if thats all you'll have, I honestly believe the saying to have loved and lost is better than never knowing love at all. You are violating nothing when you dream, and I'm glad at least you have that to close your eyes and visit. It's a sweet pain, but sweet none the less.

I believe (in that level and depth of change) dreaming of someone else not one's spouse is a violation. This is the depth I was given no one else has given me. I have lost nothing :). I do believe in living happily (as a couple) ever after and that has not happened yet (which doesnt look very promising -- 14 years later!!) but I have myself. Love for myself was awakened which -perhaps ironically- is the essence of why I love the one who changed my life so much. *I* am found, I am loved, I am in tune with love. But I dont know if I love him more than (or as) he loves me.. Are we equals? As a woman, I feel this man is that Prince Charming who comes along and saves the damsel in distress. If this is what fairy tales are about, I begin to think Prince Charming doesnt need to be saved tho my Prince Charming mentioned once to me (to paraphrase) 'who is for me?' as if he knows he saved me and .. I dont inspire him quite as well...... Is this my sexist view? I am no stranger to relationships, and perhaps I have saved a man or two. Perhaps one or two of them wish I felt as saved by them. I have to believe something like this has a mutual aspect or couldnt exist. But I also see that something so powerful may by its nature be one-way... Nonetheless. My heart is changed. I wouldnt dare to dream of playing around in fantasies (or lies) pretending to be in a relationship that is supposed to be about all my heart and soul. I think we all believe in a love like this, but the reality is sooooo very hard to come by. What a miracle!!

I understand what you're saying, but its impossible to erase memories - and it really has nothing to do with 'fooling around'. As Bek said, this particular one had nothing to do with sex. Most of us crave sex, but sex that means something - as an expression of what the other should feel (as you feel for them).

If you pretend to forget something that deep, you just add a kind of repressed psychosis onto an already depressing situation. When times get tough here for me, and nothing seems as it should be, I count myself lucky that I am able to close my eyes, go back and recall one of the happiest times of my life - wouldn't give those memories up for the world and couldn't repress them even if I wanted to. She obviously feels good just recalling how he made her feel - being too late to 'erase' the memory, I'm sure it provides a human warmth in the cold sometimes... It's bad because it may highlight what you don't have now, but it's good that it lets you know you are capable of expiriencing it - that's its not all just some made up myth that only exists in fairy tales and movies.

Yes. One difference between Bek and myself is I divorced. I dont fantasize about my ex husband :). I do think of my Love on an amazingly regular basis. And yes, as you mention, sex is a strange mix. I suppose there will always be psychosis in this world but its hard to believe the 60s didnt burn out all sexual repression. I feel purity about the man I fell in love with whom I met online. I wonder sometimes if I will "turn" into Mr Hyde, but so far (and I am certainly not saying it didnt take a long time -- I fell in love 14 years ago) I feel it was the "best of times and the worst of times." for me. I dont think I can be worse than I was when I met him. And better? If I "deserve" an equal, wonderful partnership, hopefully in this life, I will feel I have risen above even my worst.

Good for you, Mend - its nice to read that someone gets what they want here. :)

2 More Responses

most people wood of gone with the guy from dating site and been happy

are you with the guy you met on the dating site