I moved across the world from Canada to Australia to be with a man I met online in real life. We spent a year living together. My visa recently ran out and I had to return to Canada. Little did I know my BF would pull back and leave me feeling so lost and confused. We've been through so much I just can't understand why he wants to distance himself from me when I am already across the world. I feel like I gave up so much for such uncertainty. I feel so confused and afraid. I am lost.
LavenderDarling LavenderDarling
26-30, F
22 Responses Nov 29, 2015

I can relate to this. Only thing I can say is that don't give up on yourself and don't blame yourself for pursuing your heart.

Thank you max. I am trying

I know.

I know this isn't much consolation but you did something pretty wild in life you went halfway around the world and live for year in Australia and that's pretty cool I know I did something similar I went to Thailand and live with somebody I do hope things work out for the best

Thank you so much. I hope it works out too. I really do

He wanted out and he decided to hold out until you had to leave & the situation took care of itself . Gutless . That's my bet .

Then why does he want me to hold on and keep faith? He asked me for space. Now I am feeling afraid and left alone. I told him I will be the bigger person and end things and move on if he can't be the one to do it. He told me no he didn't want that. He said he is not well and it has nothing to do with me. That he needs time to fix himself.

That is wanting your cake and eating it too in my opinion
He not interested now but wants to keep you available . That's my opinion. Disrespect
He could have throughly discussed any problem during the year you were there .

I guess we had no real problems till I was gone and he saw how much work the big picture would be. It is disrespectful to me. I absolutely hate this.

Time to move and focus on making something good in the future

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He got scared, things should hopefully turn out, but for now just relax and let things cool for a bit

I am trying to do exactly this. Thank you. It's difficult when I have such strong emotions and a racing mind

Relationships are hard. You made a huge commitment to him and for him. Worked great for him. Now it's his turn to show the same commitment and his actions are showing he's not willing. It does hurt, and I'm sorry about that. Learn from this and when ready march on!

That's what a few others have told me too. I keep thinking one way and then the other. I just don't know what to do or think. Mostly because he is a great guy and he was fully committed. He traveled across the world to meet me too. We both took risks and put effort in. He is just struggling so hard right now and part of me feels like when someone you love is struggling you don't give up on them, you be there for them. And the other part of me is thinking, well if he isn't putting the effort in anymore, what is the point? It must mean he isn't willing or doesn't want this. I am so torn here.

When in doubt, go with your gut feeling. Trust yourself to make the right decision. That said, the foundation of any relationship must be trust and mutual respect. Communication is key. You need to talk with him and ask questions that the answers may not be what you want to hear.

Also realize advice here, these people don't know you. It's easy to sit in judgment but no one is walking in your shoes but you.

Thank you for saying that. It's true. No one is walking in my shoes but me. My gut feeling keeps telling me not to give up yet. I know that's strange. But it is. I don't know why. I have wanted to try. I wanted to let it go and heal me move on but something in my gut is telling me to just calm down and leave it as it is. I hate it. Normally when someone does something disrespectful and shocking like this to me I don't stand for it. I don't care how hurt I am to end it. I will walk away. I will do what is best for me. And in this case something is keeping me attacked to him and telling me to keep faith and hold on. I hate it.

Sorry for the typos I am just so upset and crying. Not able to text or respond properly.

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Sorry to hear that. It's easy to "fall in love." Maintaining a relationship takes a lot more work. Not everything will last. Be happy for the year.

It's actually so difficult for me to fall in love. It takes me so long to fall in love. Ans you're right it is difficult to maintain a relationship. I hope that in the end it works out but you just never know. Thanks for your kindness. I really do want to be happy.

Well, maybe I should have said that for some people it's easy to fall in love but hard to maintain a genuine relationship.

I wish things didn't have to be so difficult or complicated.

I know. 😘

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I didn't move across countries but moved over 2,500 miles from home to be with someone I met online. I am not afraid of travel so I did not think much of it. We broke up just shy of a year. I had quit a full time job and left all my family and friends behind. I see now I was foolish to leave such a huge support system behind for a man who I discovered didn't care for me at all like I thought he did! We spoke of marriage and children frequently. I supported him with everything I had and was essentially dropped. We tried to reconcile when I got back to my original hometown but honestly the questions I had and trust issues he had left me with were still too much to ever make me want to reconsider. I loved him but it was entirely too emotionally taxing to reinvest in. Surprisingly, I got over him much faster than I thought I would. Here's hoping you're able to keep your head up and stand your ground and rediscover yourself! :) It's easier said than done, I know, but stick to your gut feeling and focus on yourself for a bit! Mine asked me to stay around after we broke up. He told me he wanted me to stay in his life and that he was sorry but didn't know what he wanted... I blocked him on all social media accounts. It was easier for me to avoid that temptation! And now I have a fantastic story. What crazy girl quits a good job and leaves everything to head out to the West coast? Not many of us! :) It was expensive, yes, but I have no regrets. Everything happens for a reason! Good luck to you!

Thank you for your story and experience. I am trying so hard here to be okay but I am just not. I think I need to get help because I am just getting worse off emotionally. I really do want to work on me now, go get better and get me back. I don't know why my BF is doing this to me just its clear I can't control him. My gut feeling keeps telling me to hold on. It keeps telling me not to give up on this one just yet, and that makes it harder on me. In the past I was able to give up and move on easier than this when something or someone was not good for me. Now I am so confused and just not able to do it. I don't want to have this "what if" forever. It's the most difficult thing I've had to face in such a long time. I risked it all and now I'm back in Canada having to start over. I'm so afraid.

It sounds like both of your are in a horrible place right now. When my man returns to his country or I return to mine even after a couple of weeks we are in a funny place after emotionally,, missing each other and wondering what the next step is..
I have always found working towards the next step is always a healer ,, you need to talk together figure out what you both want wether you want to go to him permanent or him to you. Look at some legal visa advice help,, or if you already know next step get apply for next visa ,, please do not give up,,, work at it ,, all the best to you guys

We have talked about everything and bad a plan in place. I was here to save and to apply for a marriage visa. Now he isn't sure what he wants and he is letting fear get the best of him. I am left in the dark here. I keep working and I keep saving and I keep going towards the goal but I don't know what he wants and it's making me so confused/afraid and depressed

Of course it is ,, I understand .. I just like you think the whole ideal is daunting him out ,, when you say he does not know what he wants , does that include not knowing if he loves you? Or is that about future plans? When did you return back to Canada?
Please stay hopeful love and hugs sax X

He is unsure of future plans. He told me loves me more than once since this break and need for space as occurred. He just recently attempted a home loan for us and he was rejected. This was the start to his distance and pulling back. He feels like he isn't good enough or doesn't know where we will live or what we will do when I get there and can't work for a year. He is stressed about the future and probably afraid to get married. He tells me feels not good enough and that isn't true. And he tells me he just needs to fix himself that he has a lot of demons he is trying to work through because I don't deserve him lashing them out at me. He just tells me he is so angry about life right now and how things are not working out. He was so excited for a home loan and to own his own house and since he was not approved his confidence and self worth has just gone out the window. We fought a lot towards the end because I was desperately trying not to get him to pull away from me. That turns out to make it worse as he told me I was smothering him and stressed him out more than I should have. So I've taken a giant step back and really listen to him. I force myself to understand he is depressed too and perhaps deals with it differently than I do. I like contact I like to talk and be close in tough times. Where as he seems to shut down and needs to recharge on his own. I am trying to respect this but I have fears as to what this all means. I hate it.

Sounds like he had tried ,, IMHO if he was not wanting a future he would not have gone near a home loan.. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt before calling him a douche bag!! He is probably feeling very bruised like you are right now,, please give it some space let him know you are there when he needs you and you can work through it together,, he will see you are a good thing in his life he will see this have faith !! I think you will have to be the stronger party here and be firm and clear! The arguments generally get you no where,, sometimes silence speaks volumes ,, take the lead here.

I hope it all works out hunni

Thank you so much. I am respecting his space and I have told him I am here for him and still working towards are goals. He does contact me either once a day or every few days to update me on how he is doing and to ask me how I am doing. I know I made the mistake towards the end by freaking out on him and trying to pull him and force him closer to me. I was a complete mess when I had to get a plane and fly back to Canada. And he had to deal with it all. Not to mention he was sad and worried about it too. I am also trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here. I'm just praying it works out.

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He's back online fishing again. I'd say he's got a great deal going. New girl every year then send ya home. Less drama that way. Hope u had fun over there tho

Wow that's absolutely terrible


People can be so cold, I think you should let him go if this is how he is treating you as you deserve way better

It's hard for me to let someone go when I love them so deeply. All he required was space to figure himself out. I asked if I should move on and end things and he told me no, that's not what he wants either. So I'm just left in the dark. I guess I need to do what some others have told me. Take time for me now to better me and to think.

Oh Darling, I hope you enjoyed Australia. Focus on you, way to young to be so lost, best is to show him you are NOT lost, become independent. Less expectation and more in the moment, day by day.

You are complexly right. Absolutely right. I feel like I lost me. I don't know who I am anymore after all of this! It's very scary! I need to get some help and get me back. I miss me. I was so awesome, I know that much. I want to be okay again. And I want to just not worry so much.


So sorry to hear this.Please stay strong

Thank you! I am trying to. It helps having all these positive people on here to chat with! I am so glad I came here.


Communicate.Even when it's uncomfortable or uneasy.One of the best ways to heal,is simply getting everything out and if you live bitterly,you live a lonely existence.Hope you like this.Good luck.

I have never had issues with commutation. I am so good at it! I love to connect and feel and show emotions. It's the BF who has trouble with it all. And I feel the more I push for him to communicate the more he pulls away or goes into a shell. He is your classic case of when things are stressful he shuts down.

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I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how that feels :(

Thank you for your kindness. It's so mind blowing that this could happen. But I am a strong person. I'm emotional first, strong later. I just wanted love to win this time around.

Well love will always win. But maybe not with him :-(

Let's not even go there just yet! Too painful

In sorry. Well about 2 years ago I moved across the country to be with the woman of my dreams. When things changed and I had to go somewhere she choose not to come with me. Her reason was her job (part time at Starbucks). I was absolutely devastated.
It took me almost a year to realize that it was the best things that ever happened to me

I am at the point where something deep in my heart and soul is telling me not to give up yet. I can't imagine going through what you had to go through! But if I must, I really hope that I get the same clarity you got in the end. Otherwise I fear I will be broken forever

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you may be in love with him... but he may not feel the same way about you. actions speak louder than words - if he really wants to be with you, then he will find a way to make that happen. this is not a statement of "negativity"- it's the truth, and truth is not always what we want it to be. it's good that you made the journey, you were able to see another part of the world. but life gives us lessons, and sometimes they are learned the hard way. you have a lot of love to give... don't give it to somebody who makes you his doormat. time will reveal the truth to you... best of luck hun.

Thank you for being blunt and giving me such positive advice. You are right. And I am aware of this as well. I will be heartbroken to go through this loss but you're right. I do have a lot of love to give! And I am a good person. I wish my BF would snap out of this funk and see those things. See me how he used to see me. I did ask him bluntly a few days ago if this was his way of letting it fade. If I should end it and move on, he told me no, not to do that. That he loves me and just isn't in the right frame of mind to be good to me right now. That he just wants space to work on him and figure out a plan and his life. I just have to trust his word for now. But this is a real emotional nightmare. And I do have moments more often than not where I just feel like I don't deserve this.

Darling, you are not ready for this either, you guys should take your time work on yourselves, if it is meant to be it will always work out itself. Stop forcing life so much; day by day

I know. I am trying not to force anything and I really do want to feel better. I am ready for my life to be started with this man but now that he has pulled back i know I have a lot to think about

hey i totally understand, I've been there myself. i married, quit my job and moved to Germany as a military wife to be with my (now) ex husband... he turned out to be waaay too immature to handle marriage, he was unfaithful to me, and extremely careless about life itself. needless to say, eventually he was kicked out of the military. do i regret the experience? no, because i needed that... it motivated me to go to school, and it actually helped me to meet my soulmate... life works in mysterious ways :) not all bad experiences lead to positive results like that, but they do make you stronger and more prepared for the future... i think that someday you will be glad your visa expired when it did ;)

I am sorry you hear what you went through but I am glad you told me you got some clarity from it later on. Right now I have no clarity or understanding why this is happening. It's so frustrating.

you may be lost in confusion right now, but just remember that we always take away something valuable from every negative experience - even if we aren't aware of what that is. this may have taught you how to read people better, or it may have culturally enlightened you... this could have merely been a way for the universe to keep you occupied until something better was prepared to happen for you... you may not understand why this is happening now, but know that God has a plan for us all. trust in that, and know that whatever happens, it will all work itself out in the end... you'll be ok :)

I hope so. I feel like at the moment nothing good is coming from this. I gave up so much. For nothing. I don't have a career anymore, a home or any savings left now that my BF and I used all our savings on this relationship. I am 28 years old and feel like I have nothing to show for it. I am so lost and sad. I just need to get better somehow. I hate all this pain that floods me. I wish it would stop

your career, your savings, your status... that is not what life is about. you can lose those things, and you can gain them back... but you can't get back time, you can't relive memories, and you can't buy happiness... there is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up for living your life. keep going, and good things will find their way to you. never stop living, and never stop believing. life is too short to fret over meaningless things... love and happiness is most important, so don't give up. pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going...

This is really hard to do because of your feelings for him, but you need to be in charge of *your* life. By waiting in the wings for him to get in the right frame of mind to be good to you, you are allowing him to set the terms.
When a man wants a woman...really wants her, he is there for her, there is no "I'm waiting to get my mind right."

You set the terms. Don't wait, dear. Go on with your life. If he wants you, he knows where you are, and he can buy a plane ticket. Otherwise, live your life by your terms, and don't wait for a man who has lost interest in you.

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. {{hugs}}

I know. I tell myself this all the time. I think about this all the time. I wonder if me waiting and giving him this space is giving him permission to do this to me every single time there is a bump in the road. I can't handle this again and again in my life. On the other hand I love and trust his word so much that I feel like if he is really struggling I want him to take the time to get better and I want to be there for him as loving support.

I understand, and it's your choice.

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You are young the pain will pass and you will remember the experience

I really hope that I won't have to lose him 😒

You will never lose him, it's called memory, up to you to make them loving memories. Remember we never own each other, be a bird, we don't belong in cages we are free to come and go

I just don't want this relationship that I invested so much time/money and love into be over. I don't want him to let fear stop this. I know we don't own one another but I wish I could take all of his fears and concerns away.

Wow that sounds like a complete mind-****. I'm sorry that what must have started like the adventure of a lifetime ended up being so messed up.

I wish he wouldn't do this to me. It could be so different. It could be positive and fun and still something so amazing. Now I have constant anxiety and fear. I am scared 😒

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry to hear. I know what it's like to lose a year of your life invested in someone you thought felt the same way. But seriously...allowing you to cross countries, bond for a year and then behave like this is seriously wacked. What an arsehole. Sorry πŸ˜”

I am so afraid that it's not going to work out. It is terrible isn't it? He made me think and truly believe so many things. I keep telling myself it has to work out. He had to have been honest with me about his love. I am scared 😟πŸ˜₯

I am torn. Part of me is happy that you found true love and the other part is saddened by the fact that he does not return your feelings.

I think he does return them. It's just he doesn't know what we should do next. It's probably just so scary and overwhelming for him. We lived tougher and now we are across re world again without much options. I hope he loves me enough to stay strong! I am just hoping for the best.

if I want an apple. & I want it real bad. But I refuse to go to the store and buy an Apple. I have made that choice. And that choice is I do not want the Apple

I get what you're saying. But in this case I am not an apple. And immigration isn't only 1.50. It's a lot more complicated than just buying something you do or don't want. He has told me he doesn't want me to end things or move on. He just isn't sure what we do next. He is depressed I am not there. And worried I may not be able to get back. He has a lot of fears. Regardless, I am happy to hang onto faith even if things don't work out in the end. At least I stayed true till the bitter end.

There are fue words that can describe your good merits. Honest is one.


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I'm sorry this happened to you :( but take this as a life lesson and know that you'll find someone someday who will treat you the way you deserve!

I hope in the end it will all work out for the best. Thank you for your kindness

No problem :) remember you WILL be okay

This is heart wrenching. Sorry but keep going. I support you.

Thank you so much. I am trying to stay strong and hope in the end it will work out.

I understand how u feel. You could say I'm facing things like relationship on the internet. I do believe you could work it out. Honesty is the key. If he's afraid, you might need distance for him to realized. Not everyone is brave but that could change. Lead him.

I am giving him the space he has asked me for. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go. I don't like the idea of this space. But he claims its to better himself and to get a clear head. It's so hard to leave him be and not text or call or hound him. But I love him enough to let him figure things out. I really hope things work out for him and I.

Online relationships are so difficult! Especially if you have met face to face and have to go back to long distance! But I believe it can be done.

With both sides pulling each other, I believe it could be done too! But br prepared, we don't know what the future holds. He's an idiot if he's letting you go. No girls like to wait for too long. Be strong and....don't worry, we're here for you.

Thank you! I really do need positive friends in my life right now. It's been such a difficult transition from living with the man I love to having to move back to my home country and start over.

Friendly reminder, please don't hurt yourself tho. Think positive. And if anything, just message here in the group. You're welcome, dear. I know u need strength right now. Take care *grins

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I'm sorry. Although I've met an amazing person online that won't even get that far. Do you think it was worth it?

Love is always worth it. Every. Single. Time. I would do it all over again. Feeling this pain means my love was true and real.

Well, it isn't that far yet. And I don't know if it ever would be. But if anyone had a chance of getting to me that much it'd be her. But still, good to know.

I never give up on the person I love. That's why I am hanging onto it even still.

You did help! All your kind words help.

I'm not sure I've ever loved anyone, even my ex wife. But like I said...if anyone can do it it's someone I met online. But...I'm getting way, way ahead of myself.

Make sure this person is who she claims to be. Go on Skype! Voice and cam chat! Lots of people are fake now a days. Please be really smart. I met someone online once who was married and he broke my heart so terribly when I found out. Just really get to know her.

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