I Didnt Mean For This To Happen

Im torn.

I was lonely, not just the feeling you have when you are bored.. the feeling of emptiness.

 

From the outside I was complete.  Married, kids, dog, job, house.

From the inside I was TRAPPED.  Married to a man who is never home who hates to talk and hates even more to listen.  Strangers who live together... if you can count living together on weekend living together.  His job took him away all of last year.. and now this year he will only be home on weekend.  3 kids under 5.  Debt from constant moves.

 

I wasnt meaning to meet anyone.  Just lonely.  Wanted to talk, connect, feel funny, feel sexy, feel free. Online you can be ANYONE,  instead of how I feel in my marriage.. like no one

Im 31, online Im 27.  I have 3 children.. oneline none. My twin has three kids and I live with her.  Innocent lies... or so I thought

Then he came along.  Caring, warm, understanding.. and FUNNY. I have never laughed so hard.  My mind is in a WHIRLWIND! Same interests, political views, feeling thoughts ideas.. meshing like I never knew possible... talking EVERYDAY.. hours FLYING BY.. staying awake ALL NIGHt.. just talking.  I am falling hard.. REALLY hard.. I think I am in love.. but beneath me is the hard PAVEMENT. 

We admitted we have feelings for one another.  But he doesnt know "my story".. my marriage and kids.. he knows everything else.. my deepest thoughts.. what makes me laugh..and cry.  But there are huge parts I left out.. not intentionally.. he wasnt suppose to love me.. and I wasnt looking for love.

In a perfect world.. I would confess my life to him.. he would understand.. he would want to be with me anyways.. I would tell my husband what I have been longing to say, "its over. Im not in love with you and havent been for some time" and he would say "the feeling ismutual" we would part as friends

In reality.. IM STUCK. .. feelings of loniless... feeling trapped forever..

If I tell my husband I am not in love with him.. it would CRUSH him, ruin my kids' life.. we are in debt.. wouldnt be able to afford 2 seperate households.  I would be shunned from my husband's family and my own.  How could and ARMY WIFE not support her man??  and if I tell this internet guy about my three kids.. I fear he woudl run fo r the hills. 

Internt guy just told me that he has no committments right now.. he coudl go anywhere do anything (hinting we could be together.. he could move here) I cant hit him with all of this.. even if I could.. it wouldnt be far to strap him down like this.

I know where internet guy works.. what if I just took a plane to see him.. he works at a hotel.. what if I show up and see if he recognizes me? We have a great weekend.. then I make some excuse up and end it? or what if he hates me or I hate him?  both those ideas would work.. but what if we fall MORE inlove???

 

TORN

alyssakimm alyssakimm
31-35, F
4 Responses Mar 5, 2010

don´t want to judge but i ´ve never understood why ppl tell lies on the net...they think it is just a virtual world but it is not....we should stay honest....just tell the truth even if it is hard and will bring some pain...but it is better this way.....

You need to tell internet guy the truth. Its really not fair to play with peoples emotions. <br />
Dont go buying a plane ticket untill you have talked him. You could risk loosing both men.

Agggh. This happened to me. I lied about everything thinking it was harmless. Then I fell in love. It snowballed into something I will regret for the rest of my life. I might be 10x happier and more sane right now if that had never happened. <br />
<br />
Even after I told the truth, and they still accepted me... I thought it would be okay. It wasn't. It only got worse. The pain was only prolonged.<br />
<br />
Please don't make the same mistake I did. End it with "internet guy" now.

Well that is a pickle isn't it.<br />
<br />
Your husband probably isn't a bad man, he is just a man. <br />
<br />
Your new friend also hasn't done anything wrong. <br />
<br />
You have though. Two men are wronged by your actions.<br />
<br />
Let me quickly follow that up with and I am no better than you. I did something similiar 13 years ago. <br />
<br />
What people never understand when they get married and have kids is how hard it really is. For you, it's twice as hard since you are almost alone in the parenting process. That has to be lonely.<br />
<br />
So here you are lonely with someone who wants to comfort you. <br />
<br />
You know in all honesty...you did love your husband...you had feelings for him. I would bet you used to talk and share your dreams. <br />
<br />
I know why this new guy loves you even. He is getting the best of you. You don't give him a hard time about anything. It's just great for you that he is choosing to spend time talking with you. Your husband does not have it so good. He has to live with a demanding job and trying to fufill your needs for him to be a father and a husband.<br />
<br />
It's easy to say he has faults and I am very sure he does...but we all do. You know his because you know him.<br />
<br />
A cold hard dose of reality is in order for your new friend. He wants the real you.<br />
<br />
You owe that to him. You have deceived him. If you really love him at all then go on and tell all.<br />
<br />
This probably seems cold and even callous. Certainly it's a hard truth.<br />
<br />
You are at a crossroads. The truth is it is hard. At least two people will walk away hurt.<br />
<br />
Either you will tell him the truth and he will accept it. You will then leave your husband and take him from your kids which will hurt you and each of them but you may find true love and joy....or he will disappoint you and you will have let him down also.<br />
<br />
I am not here to judge you. You are prefectly imperfect. Welcome to the club.<br />
<br />
It's going to take guts to fix the tangled web you have weaved. <br />
<br />
This new guy will be hurt worse if you hide the truth from him longer. Your husband will be hurt far more if you go off and have an affair without first at least telling him where he stands.<br />
<br />
I honestly can't tell you what will happen but I can tell you that the only course of action that is at all fair to anyone is to be truthfull and honest.<br />
<br />
So here it is:<br />
- Your husband is the safest bet. What he doesn't know is best left unsaid. If after you think it over you find you really do love him still then you should end it.<br />
- if you are still torn and just don't want to miss the opportunity then proceed with the truth to your friend. Married, three young kids, bancruptcy if you split. He get's a shot.<br />
<br />
Now what will happen after that is just a big questionmark.<br />
<br />
I want you to know that whatever happens it is a new begining. I also want you to know that in the end it's all going to be ok. Lastly, since I believe you will be hurt either way and might need a friend, I am offering to be that friend.<br />
<br />
I promise you that as your friend I will never think myself better than you and I will not lie to you when a hard truth seems like the answer..<br />
<br />
*hugs*. I am sorry.<br />
<br />
PS) your family will forgive you.